BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MudGuard
Date: 26 Dec 11 - 05:40 PM

modern version of the christmas story

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Dec 11 - 10:10 AM

Christmas and Hanukkah to Merge

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1,300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, spokesman say, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful".

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Dec 11 - 10:03 AM

The 12 Days of Christmas After Reengineering

Global challenges require the North Pole to continue to take more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary.

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic plant, providing savings in maintenance costs.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during the working hours could not be condoned under the company "zero tolerance" sexual harassment policy. Both positions are, therefore, eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact and we may actually expand the number of hens used. A recent time-motion-profitability study proved that using illegal migratory fowl is extremely profitable as it eliminates the company's need to provide employee benefits because the hens do not meet federal residency requirements.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked, and whether the calling function can be replaced by e-mail.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of their decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by the Personnel Department will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Replacement mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes to better enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Let the reengineering team hasten to add that company policy prohibits age discrimination, and any layoffs must be justified using a business case to preclude any employee lawsuits.

Ten Lords-a-Leaping is overkill. The high costs of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed because of the high average weight of retired congressmen, significant savings should result due to the number of congressmen left unemployed after the recent election.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and the elimination of uniforms will produce significant savings to the bottom line.

Though incomplete, studies by our consultants indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop-ship in one day using a "just in time" system, service levels will be improved and we can expect a substantial reduction in the use of part-time personnel.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Dec 11 - 09:57 AM

A Politically Correct Christmas

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord."

"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.

"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too."

Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.

"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too," he said. "No court can resist that."

Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?"

"Snowpersons!" cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion.

Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he explained.

"We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary.

"Whatever," said the painter.

Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them.

"I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies.

With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.

"I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?"

"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three wise men rode up.

"They're all male!" the crowd gasped. "And not very multicultural!"

"Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi.

"Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, for you have done well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?"

Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?"

"That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver."

"Let me get back to you," Mary said.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Dec 11 - 09:53 AM

"Double Check...."

At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year
the staff decided to pull a practical joke on
their boss who had a habit of playing serious
practical jokes on everyone else.

When he went to the toilet, they went through
his wallet and found his Tats Lotto Ticket. Then,
they wrote down his numbers and called over
the waitress to set up a little prank. She came
back half an hour later and asked if anyone
wanted to know the night's Lotto numbers,
then proceeded to read them out loud before
setting the numbers on the table.

The boss looked at the numbers, then casually
pulled out his from his wallet and compared
them. He became really silent, put his wallet
back in his jacket and sat down again, and
checked the numbers, very carefully.

Then, he sculled his drink, stood up on his chair
and shouted out to the whole room,

"I just want to let you all know something. I've
been having an affair with my secretary for
months. I don't like any of you, and I have hated
working for this company. You can shove it,
cause I've just won a truck-load of money, and
I'm leaving"

End of job.
End of marriage.
End of story.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 20 Dec 11 - 02:33 AM

"That white animal over there with the shiny silver horns ~ is it a water buffalo?"

"No - it's a wash bison."

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 19 Dec 11 - 01:32 PM

Q. How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Ten.
One to call the handyman.
One to fire the handyman and replace him with an illegal immigrant working for subminimum wage.
One to orchestrate a leveraged buyout of the light-bulb company, lay off the staff, and outsource production to China.
One to lobby Congress for a massive tax break for the light-bulb importer.
And six right-wing conservative pundits to blame the failure of the light bulb on liberals, unions, illegal immigrants, and Obama.

—found at the web site of "A Prairie Home Companion" and updated a bit.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 12 Dec 11 - 12:20 AM

at least as vegetable as pizza or ketchup.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MudGuard
Date: 11 Dec 11 - 04:00 AM

Chocolate is healthy, it is vegetable!

You don't believe it?
I can prove it!

No one will argue that beans and beets are vegetable.

Now chocolate ingredients are mostly cocoa and sugar.

Sugar is made from sugar-beets, and cocoa is made from cocoa beans

Thus, chocolate is vegetable!

q.e.d.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Dec 11 - 04:01 PM

"The Rules Of Chocolate"

* If you've got melted chocolate all over your
hands, you're eating it too slowly.

* Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange
slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as
many as you want.

* The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate
home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it
in the parking lot.

* Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.
It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat
less.

* A nice box of chocolates can provide your total
daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

* If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in
the freezer.

* But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's
wrong with you?

* If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on
top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights,
and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect
themselves.

* If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and
white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't
they actually counteract each other?

* Money talks. Chocolate sings.

* Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives
make you look younger.

* Q. Why is there no such organization as
Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

* If not for chocolate, there would be no need for
control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry
would be devastated.

* Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things
to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing
done.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Dec 11 - 10:56 AM

What did the snail say on the turtle's back?

...Whee!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 05 Dec 11 - 10:10 AM

..dead in the water..?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Michael
Date: 05 Dec 11 - 09:41 AM

Where's Geoff when you need him? A duck with a £150 bill?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 04 Dec 11 - 01:35 AM

Mrrzy: Yeah, I figured that out. But it's a pretty lame joke that way. It's much funnier according to Google's bad translation.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 11:20 PM

Actually, that means "so that men can understand them" (the jokes, not the blondes).

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 09:31 PM

[Sorry, I missed the word "Warum/Why" in the previous joke.]


..fahren 2 nonnen nach mainz. kommt ein schild MAINZ 8 killometer.
sagt die eine "mainz ist eins dreckiges loch"
sagt die andere "meins auch"

*

.. 2 nuns go to Mainz. MAINZ is a shield-8 killometer.
says one, "is a dirty hole mainz"
the other says "mine too"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 09:14 PM

sind Blondinenwitze so kurz....?
Damit Männer sie verstehn.!!

*

are blonde jokes so short ....?
So they understand men.!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 09:04 PM

Hey, this is fun! Somehow the jokes gain something in (bad) translation.

Vater: Ich werde dich mit einem Mädchen meiner Wahl verheiraten!
Sohn: Nein!
Vater: Es ist die Tochter von Bill Gates!
Sohn: Dann... Okay!
Vater geht zu Bill Gates
Vater: Ich will meinen Sohn mit deiner Tochter verheiraten!
Bill Gates: Nein!
Vater: Er ist der Geschäftsführer der World Bank!
Bill Gates: Dann... Okay!
Vater geht zur World Bank
Vater: Ich will, dass Sie meinen Sohn als Geschäftsführer einstellen!
World Bank: Nein!
Vater: Er ist der zukünftige Schwiegersohn von Bill Gates!
World Bank: Dann... Okay!

Now Google's translation:

Father: I'm going to marry a girl of my choice!
Son: No,
father: it is the daughter of Bill Gates!
Son: Then ... Okay
father goes to Bill Gates
's father, I will marry my son to your daughter!
Bill Gates: No,
father: He is the Managing Director of the World Bank!
Bill Gates: Then ... Okay
father goes to the World Bank's
Father: I want you to set up my son as manager!
World Bank: No,
father: he is the future son of Bill Gates!
World Bank: Then ... Okay!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 08:52 PM

I just found this on a German web site:

Ein Vertreter fährt durch den Bayerischen Wald. Auf einmal sieht er am Straßenrand einen kleinen Jungen, der einen Hasen rammelt. Der Vertreter fährt entsetzt weiter. Ein paar Kilometer weiter sieht er einen alten Mann, der sich einen von der Palme wedelt. Der Vertreter ist total erschüttert und hält an der nächsten Tankstelle. Er erzählt dem Tankwart: 'Stellen sie sich vor, gerade hab ich einen kleinen Bub gesehen, der nen Hasen gerammelt hat!' Der Tankwart: 'Hmmm naja, Kinder halt.' - 'Ja und ein paar Minuten weiter hab ich einen alten Opa gesehen, der wie wild Onaniert hat! Wie erklären Sie mir das?' Darauf der Tankwart: 'Na, in dem Alter erwischt man halt so leicht keinen Hasen mehr...'

Here is how Google translates it:

A representative travels through the Bavarian forest. Suddenly he sees a little boy on the roadside, the shagging a rabbit. The representative goes on in horror. A few kilometers further, he sees an old man, waving to one of the palm. The representative is totally shocked and stops at the next gas station. He told the attendant: "Imagine for a moment, I've just seen a little boy that can be driven hare has packed! ' The gas station attendant: 'Hmmm well, just kids.' - 'Yes, and a few more minutes I saw an old grandpa, who has masturbated like crazy! How do you explain this to me? ' Then the gas station attendant: 'Well, at that age you just get caught so easily no more rabbits ...'

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 04:45 PM

sorry-i should have thought before i posted that it might be amiss across the pond!.it crossed my mind afterwards.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 04:17 PM

It depends on the context.

When an American says "The envelope contained a hundred-dollar bill" it means (as a Brit would say) a banknote.

When an American says "The envelope contained a bill for a hundred dollars" it means an invoice (request for payment).

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bert
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 02:02 PM

and UK cheque = US Check drawn an your bank account.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 01:27 PM

Just to clarify:

UK bill = US check [in sense of account presented for payment]

US bill = UK banknote

What a lovely fertile ground for the old transAtlantic flak!

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 12:30 PM

Oh, a bill FOR that much money! I thought he gave HER the money! makes more sense now...

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 02 Dec 11 - 01:24 PM

woman takes her duck to the vet
"its dead"said the vet"
woman"i want a second opinion"
the vet whistles for his dog.
a labrodor comes in ,sniffs the duck shakes it,s head and barks and leaves.
woman"i still want another opinion
the vet calls the cat in, who walks all round the duck and walks out.
then the vet gives woman a £150 bill
woman"£150 to tell me my duck is dead"
vet
"it,s not usually so much but a lab report and cat scan costs more!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 02 Dec 11 - 08:33 AM

A great lady advertised for two footmen for her household. Being a conscientious person, she decided to interview them herself.

When two friends applied, she asked them for their experience. One had worked for Lord Soso, the other for Sir John Wotsit Bt.

"Good experience indeed," she said. "However, as my footmen are required to wear traditional livery, including knee-breeches with white stockings, I hope you won't object to my looking at the calves of your legs to ensure they will look well."

The both obligingly rolled up their trousers.

"Very good," she said. "It only remains for you to show me your testimonials."

"If you hadn't been so bloody ignorant," said one to the other as they walked sadly away from the back door," we'd have got that job."

〠〠〠〠〠

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Michael
Date: 22 Nov 11 - 05:20 AM

Well sort of Bert; in those days they were sung by old codgers, now they are sung by us kids.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bert
Date: 21 Nov 11 - 04:26 PM

Half a century ore more ago, we'd go to a pub and it would be great to hear the old codgers sing traditional songs.

At the last open mike I went to I looked around and realized We are Them.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Nov 11 - 09:41 AM

"College Grades"

A professor stood before his class of 20 senior
organic biology students, about to hand out
the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a
pleasure teaching you this semester. I know
you've all worked extremely hard and many of
you are off to medical school after summer.

So that no one gets their GPA messed up because
they might have been celebrating a bit too much
this week, anyone who would like to opt out of
the final exam today will receive a "B" for the course."

There was much rejoicing amongst the class as
students got up, passed by the professor to thank
him and sign out on his offer.

As the last taker left the room, the professor looked
out over the handful of remaining students and
asked, "Any one else? This is your last chance."

One final student rose up and took the offer.

The professor closed the door and took attendance
of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you
believe in yourself." he said. "You all have "As."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: mayomick
Date: 21 Nov 11 - 03:34 AM

A light wave
What does a neutrino give to his adoring fans as he gets into the collider?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Midchuck
Date: 18 Nov 11 - 06:48 AM

Donuel: That's simple truth. But I'm not sure it qualifies as a joke.

P.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 17 Nov 11 - 10:10 AM

Q: Why does Penn State deliberately not score in the first half of a football game?

A: Because it's good to get a little behind in the locker room at halftime.


(Sorry, that was really bad taste.)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Nov 11 - 09:55 AM

So govenor what is your response to the Penn State scandal?

"Be it the NCAA, the entire coaching staff, police force, the missing DA, the board of govenors at Penn State and executive office holders and investors...The only people who did not cover their ass, were the children."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 Nov 11 - 11:28 AM

So, the head lawyer at the big firm dies, and everybody was going to the funeral. One partner slipped in late, just as the service was starting.

The latecomer whispers, where are we in the program? And the neighbor whispers back:

They are just opening the case for the defense.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 09 Nov 11 - 10:34 AM

"I'm married now for 20 years, and I still love the same woman."
"Wow - isn't that wonderful?"
"Yeah, but if my wife finds out, she'll kill me."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Nov 11 - 06:16 PM

His Lordship's valet, assisting His Lordship after his bath, noticed His Lordship in a state of excitement unusual for his age. "Shall I summon Her Ladyship?" he asked. "Heavens, no!" was the reply, "Fetch me a pair of baggy trousers. I mean to smuggle this into London."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Nov 11 - 12:59 PM

"Sarcastic Remarks To Get You Through The Day"

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

Do I look like bloody people person?

I started out with nothing, and still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put
shoes on my cats.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then
name streets after them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why
should I leave the house?

It ain't the size, it's... no, it is the size.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Okay, okay, I take it back! UN-screw you!

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Meandering to a different drummer.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Nov 11 - 09:17 AM

"Speeding"

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch
speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car
puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself,
"This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are
five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three
in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer,
I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed
limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding,
but you should know that driving slower than the
speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I
was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two
miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle
explains to her that "22" was the route number, not
the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman
grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out
her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is
everyone in this car OK? These women seem
awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single
peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just
got off Route 119."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,DaveA
Date: 05 Nov 11 - 10:03 PM

The Resettlement Blues


Harry had a problem. Or rather, he had several problems but one in particular that really got up his nose every day. He'd been baptized (which as a committed atheist also offended him) Hendryk which was a good Dutch name, but since he'd emigrated to South Africa & settled in Cape Town everyone he came in contact with insisted on shortening it to Harry.

He really didn't like that.

It was a shame really. Although he'd upped & left his native Holland despairing of the "cradle to grave" oversight of the Socialist Government, he remained a patriotic Dutchman and resolutely resistant to any and all attempts to assimilate him into Die Volk. He spoke only good Dutch (rather than the mongrel Afrikaans) at home to his wife and daughter, insisted that they ate good food like kroketten, rookwurst and snert (none of that ponsified British pea soup for them), sought out other Dutchmen to socialize with and generally tried to remain true to Queen & Country. But no-one (except his wife) would call him by his given name. He even suspected that when she talked about him to her friends she called him Harry!

And now, as Femke (now there was a good Dutch name) was growing up, he was having even more problems maintaining his ethnicity. He'd tried to do the right thing by her, recognizing that the English Speaking schools in Cape Town were far superior to those of the Afrikaners and he'd not begrudged her the fees, the uniforms or even the need for her to speak English. That he could & did tolerate but it was her friends with their English customs and frivolities who stuck in his craw. They made it so much harder for him to train Femke in a proper Dutch manner and the more she saw of them the more she wished to be like them and dress like them and, and (the word stuck in his throat) frolic like them. No decent Dutch maiden frolicked!!! He'd never heard of the old advice about keeping a wife barefoot, pregnant & in the kitchen but he would have considered it to be sage if he had. That should be what a Dutch maiden aspired to be and that was what he was rearing her to be. It was hard work though. They were all against him; her school friends, his work colleagues (who laughed at his traditions and called him an antique) and even his wife Maria (who if truth be known wanted for her daughter a far happier upbringing & marriage than her own)

And now this latest fiasco. All her friends had pets so she wanted a pet. They had a perfectly good aquarium in their apartment with several goldfish but that wasn't enough for her. She had to have a creature she could touch, and well, pet and one that would respond to her. Oh, the discussions! Harry's daughter didn't argue with Harry but the discussions over a pet went on and on and on. First, it was a horse. A horse?? Absolutely no way!! The cost, the agistment, the equipment, the riding lessons, the maintenance, the list was endless. Surely she knew that a horse was a farm animal not a child's pet! So then it was a dog. Harry was more receptive to that. A good Dutch dog like a Keeshond or a Stabyhoun would make a fine watchdog even if their apartment was too small for it and it had to sleep outside the front door. But no, that wouldn't suit her. She wanted a little dog like a Poodle or a Fox Terrier she could pickup and cuddle!! So a dog was out too.

So that left a cat. He didn't want a cat. Back home they lived in the barn with the cattle & caught mice and the occasional bird and didn't have much to do with people other than showing off their latest litter of kittens. When he thought about it he was sure there had to be a Dutch breed of cat though for the life of him he couldn't think of any. But, on reflection, he realized that this was probably the best chance of domestic peace he was going to get. A cat it would be. Though, by God, it would have to be a proper Dutch cat or nothing.   So, he told Maria of his decision and she told Femke what sort of cat it would have to be and last Saturday morning they had trouped off to the local Pet Shop to find a cat, Harry, Maria, Femke and 3 of her schoolmates. So simple but such a disaster!!!

They had found the shop quite quickly and Femke had fallen in love with a fluffy little kitten sitting in the window display. So Harry had told her,
"Go to the shopkeeper and ask about the kitten's parentage"
But she was shy and had insisted they all come in with her. And, because of that, there was a receptive audience to Harry's eternal shame, when she approached the shopkeeper and   …….













sang ………












"How Dutch is that Moggy in the Window".

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Nov 11 - 12:23 PM

Letter from MIT

This is supposedly a real letter that a student named John Mongan got from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. His not-to-be-missed reply follows.

Make sure you see the result at the end.
----------------

April 18, 1994

Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567

Dear John:

You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be.

But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.

The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!

Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.

What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here is tough and demanding, but it's also fun. MIT students are imaginative and creative -- inside and outside the classroom.

You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams -- 39 -- than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.

You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,

Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.

----------

May 5, 1994

Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307

Dear Michael:

You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be.

But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only one of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.

The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!

Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.

What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I am self indulgent and over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing -- whether you're laughing with him or at him.

You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports -- 47 -- than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.

You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,

John Mongan

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.

- - -
And the punchline? He went to Stanford.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Nov 11 - 10:56 AM

The Frog

While taking a walk in the woods, a man comes across a little frog. The frog asks the man if it's OK if they walk together for a while, and the man tells the frog to suit itself.

After a while the man decides to go home and the frog asks if it might come along and again, the man assents.

After reaching home, the man attempts to say goodbye but the frog boldly asks if it can come in and stay for dinner. A little miffed but not wanting to insult the frog, the man says, "Fine, come in and have dinner."

After that, the man decides to go to bed and tells the frog it's time for it to go back to the woods. But the frog doesn't want to go and asks if it can spend the night. The man is too shocked at this request to say anything but yes.

Now they're both in bed and the frog says, "Hey, aren't you gonna kiss me good night?" The man, seemingly under the frog's spell, kisses the frog.

And then, all of a sudden, the frog turns into a beautiful, nubile 16-year-old girl!

And that, your honor, is the heart of our defense.

(Hey: you knew it was a fairy tale as soon as the frog talked!)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Nov 11 - 09:51 PM

"Ostrich"

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As
he sits, the bartender comes over and asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?" "I'll have a beer, too." says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be
$3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and
the man says, "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have
the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket
and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two
enter again." The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's
close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man.
"Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says
the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change
out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come
up with the exact change out of your pocket every
time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the
attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie
appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was
that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand
in my pocket, and the right amount of money will
always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would
wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always
be as rich as you want for as long as you live!

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls
Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with
the ostrich?"

The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with
long legs."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 04 Nov 11 - 06:41 PM

A farmer was chatting with others at a church supper. He told them he'd spent the day "spreading manure."

His daughter whispered to her mother. "He's so uncouth! It's embarrassing. Couldn't you get him to say 'fertilizer'?"

The mother said, "Fertilizer! It took me ten years to get him to say 'manure.'"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Nov 11 - 03:02 PM

Some of them are.   "If the NBA can compromise then so can Congress"
We're the Fahgawee" etc. Antway I can picture things better than tell jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bert
Date: 30 Oct 11 - 06:25 PM

That's not a joke Donuel.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Oct 11 - 04:24 PM

http://i1105.photobucket.com/albums/h352/Donuel/signs-of-the-times4.jpg

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 30 Oct 11 - 07:50 AM

Why shouldn't you wear Ukrainian underpants?


















Chernobyl fallout.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Oct 11 - 08:55 AM

"Horse Shopping"

A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday
gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white
horse. He told the man that he would give him $500
for the horse.

The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't
look so good," and walked away.

The next day the rich man came back and offered
the poor man $1000 for the horse.

The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look
so good."

On the third day the rich man offered the poor man
$2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for
an answer. The poor man agreed, and the rich man
took the horse home.

The rich man's daughter loved her present. She
climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into
a tree.

The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's
house, demanding an explanation for the horse's
blindness.

The poor man replied, "I told you twice! It
don't look so good."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Dave Sutherland
Date: 28 Oct 11 - 08:27 AM

A psychic midget has escaped from prison.


There is a small medium at large.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 28 Oct 11 - 06:02 AM

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly. Sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says . . .

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

"What the f—— would they want with a plasterer??!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Oct 11 - 10:13 AM

"New Pastor's Sermons"

A church received a new pastor. On his first
sermon he spoke for ten minutes. The second
sermon he spoke was about forty minutes.
Yet the third message lasted almost two hours,
as the pastor watched the time and asked
the Lord to let him close.

Before the next service several of the members
had a talk with him, "Pastor," they said, "We love
the messages you have given us, but we don't
understand why the time frame difference."

The pastor replied with, "On the first day I had just
received a new set of teeth, and after the first
ten minutes they began to hurt, and I asked the Lord
to let me close."

"The second message lasted about forty minutes,
which is about normal for me."

"I was amazed at the length of the third one. I could
not understand why I kept preaching. I finally asked
the Lord at about two hours to let me end the message.
After the service I took my wife out to eat. Then back
at home I took my teeth out to clean, and I realized that
I had put my wife's teeth in that morning!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Oct 11 - 05:11 PM

Yeah, two at once, not to mention the wandering jew pun, not bad, eh? One of the worst jokes I've heard in years!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 21 Oct 11 - 06:48 AM

If it takes a man 20 minutes to chew a ham, how long will it take him to chew a hammer?
















Give up?









It depends whether he is a professional or a hammer-chewer.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Ref
Date: 20 Oct 11 - 09:39 PM

Hey, Mrr at work, nothing like an offensive stereotype...

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Oct 11 - 08:32 PM

"The New Hunter"

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter,
woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the
season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a
cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife,
Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asked her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this,
reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they
arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely
up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer,
take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon
as I hear the shot."

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing
that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a
deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled
as he heard an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her
stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from
my deer!"

Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming
wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from
my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake
was surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high
in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, said,

"Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just
let me get my saddle off it!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 19 Oct 11 - 06:24 AM

Great joke, John. But, just a suggestion, wouldn't "yellow-prick toad"...?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 19 Oct 11 - 04:48 AM

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.

Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads," he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"
"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes:
"Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie, which is still yellow.

"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"
"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true).

"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."
Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.

"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"
"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"
"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off...........

~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
you know what's coming don't you ?
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
you'll be sorry
after this....
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
she flew off, saying.......

"Just follow the yellow-dick toad !!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Oct 11 - 08:15 PM

If Descartes had been Jewish:

"M. Descartes, how do I know I exist?'
"Who's eskink?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Oct 11 - 10:42 AM

"Good Dog"

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest
town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog
with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved.
Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in
my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner,
who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many
years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal
towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the
walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle
of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And
I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes,
indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if
your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to
stay here, too."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Mrr at work
Date: 17 Oct 11 - 09:01 PM

So, the Jewish pedophile is scouting the neighborhood in his van...

...Hey, little boy, would you like to buy some candy?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Oct 11 - 10:31 AM

"Left-Handed"

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his
grandmother after a particularly trying week in
kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take
him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been
snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like
an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God
painted this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it. And he did it left-
handed!"

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked
him, "What makes you say God did this with his left
hand?"

"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School
last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"


---------


"Learning To Spell"

My son, Mitchell, a kindergartner, practices spelling
with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog,
dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for
all to see.

One morning while getting ready for the day,
Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms
outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic
letters: "G-O-D".

"Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a
proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them
on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home
tonight." That Catholic education is certainly having
an impact, I thought, happily.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen.
"Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?'"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Oct 11 - 09:07 AM

"The Proposal"

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida
after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was
quite alone in the world and longed for companionship.
One day, as he was walking through a public park, he
spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-
haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his
nerve up, he approached the lady and asked
graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here
with you."

The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a
distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and
replied, "Why certainly," and scooted over gently to
give him room to sit down.

For the next two hours the two sat and talked about
everything. They discovered that they came from the
same part of the country, liked the same big band
music, voted for the same presidential candidates,
had had long happy marriages and lost their spouses
in the last year, and in general agreed about almost
everything.

Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked
sheepishly, "Ma'am, may I ask you two questions?"

With great anticipation Marcia replied, "Why certainly!"

The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his
coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before
her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and
looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcia, I know we've
only known each other for a couple of hours, but we
have so much in common. I feel I have known you all
my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"

Marcia grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes,
I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She
reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then
Marcia said, "You said you had two questions to ask me.
What is the second question?"

Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me
get up?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Oct 11 - 09:06 AM

"Medical Alert!"

A highly dangerous virus called "Weekly Overload
Recreational Killer" (WORK) is currently going around.

If you come in contact with this WORK VIRUS, you
should immediately go to the nearest "Biological
Anxiety Relief" (BAR) centre to take antidotes known
as "Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract" (WINE),
"Radioactive UnWORK Medicine"(RUM), "Bothersome
Employer Elimination Rebooter"(BEER) or "Vaccino
Officio Depression Killing Antigen"(VODKA.)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Oct 11 - 08:54 AM

"Mid-Life Barbie"

Introducing the new, improved MID-LIFE BARBIE:

Now, at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls
to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully.
These are a bit more realistic.

1. BIFOCALS BARBIE: Comes with her own set of
blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors
(half-frames too), neck chain and large print
editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. HOT FLASH BARBIE: Press Barbie's belly button
and watch her face turn beet red while tiny
drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.
Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. FACIAL HAIR BARBIE: As Barbie's hormone levels
shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy
tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. FLABBY ARMS BARBIE: Hide Barbie's droopy triceps
with these new, roomier sleeved gowns. Good
news on the tummy front too- muumuus with
tummy support panels are included.


5. BUNION BARBIE: Years of disco dancing in stiletto
heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's
dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice
stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. NO-MORE-WRINKLES BARBIE: Erase those pesky
crow's feet and lip lines with a tube os Skin Sparkle
Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-
blasting cosmetics.

7. SOCCER MOM BARBIE: All that experience as a
cheerleader is really paying off as barbie dusts off
her old high school megaphone to root for Babs
and Ken Jr. Comes with a SUV in robin-egg blue or
white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and
fruit punch.

8. DIVORCED BARBIE: Sells for $399.99. Comes with
Ken's house, Ken's car and Ken's boat.

9. POST-MENOPAUSAL BARBIE: This Barbie wets her
pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts
things and cries a lot. She is sick of Ken sitting on
the couch watching the tube, clicking through
the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 05 Oct 11 - 09:30 PM

Woman: Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.

Doctor: Hmm, interesting. What are you taking for it?

Woman: Snuff.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 Oct 11 - 05:32 PM

A pious person prays: "O Lord, I have heard that a thousand years are as but a minute to Thee. Then it must be that a thousand dollars are as but a penny. If it be Thy will, might I have one of those pennies?"

A voice from heaven thunders: "Sure. Just a minute."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 05 Oct 11 - 05:16 AM

The two commentators for the USA vs Brazil soccer match had discussed the pre-match stats and were ready to go to the break when the Brazil team take the field.
The camera zooms in showing that every team member has shaved the two sides of their heads:
Comm 1: Are those 'mohawks'?
Comm 2: No, they're Brazilians!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Oct 11 - 02:46 PM

We don't serve your kind here, said the bartender.

A neutrino walks into a bar...

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 03 Oct 11 - 04:27 PM

A man entered a bank in Liverpool and approached a window with the nameplate Patrick O'Connor.

"Good morning. My name is Ali-Abu Jagger and I wish to borrow a million pounds."

"Well, sor, we would need to have some pretty good security for a sum like that."

The man took a pin from his cravat.

"Those are all real diamonds. I think this should provide sufficient collateral.'

"Excuse me, sor; I must just consult the manager."...

"There's a man outside called Ali-Abu Jagger," said Mr O'Connor, "and he says he wants to borrow a million on no security but this knick-knack."

The manager, a local man, examined the diamond pin carefully with a jeweller's lens.

"Why ~~ that's no knick-knack, Paddy wack! Give the wog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,999
Date: 14 Sep 11 - 09:51 PM

It ain't funny!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Sep 11 - 09:38 PM

tx

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 14 Sep 11 - 12:39 PM

'orse piss

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 14 Sep 11 - 12:31 PM

He heard it as "[H]orse piss".

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Sep 11 - 12:25 PM

OK, how does a cockney pronounce Auspice?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Sep 11 - 09:12 AM

"New Son In Law"

A very successful businessman had a meeting with
his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now
I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To
show you how much we care for you, I'm making
you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to
do is go to the factory every day and learn the
operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't
stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll
work in the office and take charge of some of
the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-in-law. "I can't
stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made
you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but
you don't like factories and won't work in a office.
What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Sep 11 - 08:52 PM

You know about the Cockney boy who looked like winning the spelling bee until he failed dreadfully on "auspice".

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Sep 11 - 05:06 AM

At a wine merchants, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the warehouse wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass to drink.

He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope,matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.

Requires three more years for finest results.."

"Correct."

A third glass...

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Sep 11 - 08:41 AM

"Caffeine Psalm"

Caffeine is my shepherd, I shall not doze,
It maketh me to wake in green pastures.
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses,
It restoreth my buzz.

It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness
       for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the
       shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal.
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar
       they comfort me.

Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence
       of Juan Valdez,
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth
       over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the
       days of my life,
And I will dwell in the House of Folger's forever.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Aug 11 - 09:33 AM

Old Guy at the Gym

An older guy was working out at the gym. He was not in very good shape, but he perked up when he spotted a sweet young thing across the room. She was gorgeous!

He finally caught the trainer's eye and motioned him over.

"Can I help you?" the buff expert asked.

"Yeah," the graying, paunchy, guy said, huffing even though he was only pushing 10 pounds. "That girl over there...."

The trainer takes a quick look. "Ah, Ramona. She's in great shape, eh?"

"Yeah," the guy says, puffing. "What machine in this place should I use to impress her?"

"There's only one machine that could possibly work, if you're up to it," the trainer said.

"What!?" the sweaty flab-master demanded.

"The ATM in the lobby."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Aug 11 - 09:04 PM

"How to Dump a Man"

Dear ________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated
from further contention as Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was
exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified
candidates such as yourself also failed to make the
final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file
should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in your future
romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the
following reason(s) you were disqualified from the
competition.

Check those that apply...

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't
imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting
my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not
something I can picture myself yelling out in a
fit of passion.

___The fact that our dining experiences to date has
left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants
a little tighter!

___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms
by the truckload" indicates that you may be
interested in me for something other than my
personality.

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked
you 20 questions about yourself before you asked
me more than one about myself.

___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO
much time on your hands!

___Your legs are skinnier than mine.

___You're too short. Any son that we produced would
inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck
condition from trying to kiss you.

___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily
unappealing.

___The fact that your apartment has been condemned
reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is
unbreakable.

___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often
in conversation.

___You still live with your parents.

___Although I did enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe
of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me
to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait
that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight.
If you should however, happen to gain the necessary
17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your
overnight bag were really necessary for a successful
business trip.

___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
Cruella de Ville

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Aug 11 - 09:28 PM

Q: What's Wiccan, flies around, and makes honey?
A: The Blessed Bee!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Aug 11 - 12:29 PM

"The Salary Theorem"

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists
can never earn as much as business executives and sales
people."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical
equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money
then Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches
infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Aug 11 - 11:47 AM

"Desert Bare Necessities"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were in the
desert, when their car stalled. After a conference
about walking to civilization, they decided that
each of them could take one item from the car. The
redhead took a canteen of water, the brunette took
a bag containing a sandwich, and the blonde took
the car door.

As they were walking the redhead decided to
make conversation, so she asked the brunette,
"Why did you bring the food?"

And the brunette answered back, "In case I
get hungry, I will have something to eat."

And she asked back to the redhead,"Why
did you bring the water?"

The redhead replied, "In case I get thirsty,
I will have something to drink."

They both turned to the blonde and asked her
why she brought the door, and she said, "In case
it gets hot, I can roll down the window!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Aug 11 - 04:38 PM

I know an ever worse one than the one I posted yesterday. But instead:

In Russia, in the evil days of the Tsar, two brothers, Yosl & Moish, ran a tavern together. One evening, after closing time, they took their sleigh into town to buy a barrel of vodka. They took turns cautioning each other that this was strictly business & they must not dip into the stock. On the way home, however, the weather turned miserable, and Yosl discovered that he had a kopeck in his pocket, and had an idea. "Moish," he said, "Here is a kopeck. Sell me a shot out of *your* half of the barrel." "Well," says Moish, "Business is business. I can't turn down a paying customer." So now Yosl has a shot of vodka, and Moish has a kopeck. Obviously -- well, you get the idea. By the time the horses have found their way home, the brothers are in perfect agreement that business has never been better.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Aug 11 - 09:03 AM

"100 Camels"

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting
outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow
tourists.

An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.
After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he
asked where they were from.

"America," the husband replied. Looking at her dark
hair and olive skin, the Arab responded.

"She's not from the States."

"Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked,

"Is he your husband?"

"Yes." she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered.... "I'll give you
100 camels for her."

The husband looked stunned, and there was a long
silence... Silence. Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife
asked her husband what took him so long to answer,
to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure
out how to get 100 camels back home."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 17 Aug 11 - 08:25 PM

An ogre chased & finally caught an Irishwoman. "Oh!" she cried, "Are you going to eat me whole?" "Nah," said the ogre, "I'll spit that part out."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 18 Aug 11 - 01:33 PM

What is the difference between a shower curtain, and toilet paper???


Now that you can't figure it out.......


....You're not using MY bathroom!

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Aug 11 - 11:15 PM

"The Lab Bunny"
{Hopefully, things have changed since then...}

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the
laboratory where he had been born and brought up.
As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound,
he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn
breaking for the first time in his life.

"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before
he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he
saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all
free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and
I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped
over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so
good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's
got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating
the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later,
he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We
eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he
returned a while later completely full.

"It's fantastic out here in the world!" he told them.

"So, are you going to live with us then?" one of them
asked.

"I'm sorry, I've had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits
all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you
liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab.
I'm dying for a cigarette."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Andrez
Date: 10 Aug 11 - 07:13 AM

A husband buys his son an iPAD, daughter an iPOD, himself an iPHONE & his wife an iRON.

She wasn't impressed even after he explained it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK & iCLEAN network.

This triggered the iNAG service, which totally wiped out the iSHAG function!!..

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,999
Date: 08 Aug 11 - 03:25 PM

Guy said he got a old used car for his wife. His buddies answered, "Good trade!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Aug 11 - 09:01 PM

As is well known, a professor who is 15 minutes late is a great rarity. Indeed, it may be said that he is in a class by himself.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Aug 11 - 08:35 PM

Ah, and then there was the student who went to hand in his blue-book exam a day late, and finds an annoyed professor behind a stack of books to be graded who refuses to accept the late exam.

Do you know who I am? asks the student indignantly.

No!

Good! says the student, shoving the exam into the middle of the stack and walking out.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 07 Aug 11 - 03:02 PM

Reminded by this last one of the professor in similar circumstances who, knowing he would be unavoidable detained for more then the 5 minutes students were expected to wait, placed his hat in advance on the lecturer's table. Nevertheless, after 5 minutes the students dispersed. The professor reprimanded them severely at the beginning of the next lecture, pointing out that his hat on the table was a symbol of his presence and they should accordingly have waited patiently for his arrival. He arrived at the lecture after that to find a lecture room empty ~ except for several rows of hats placed carefully on every desk.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Aug 11 - 01:04 PM

"No Penalties For Missing A Class"

The rules at a particular university were such that if the
professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past
the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students
were free to leave -- with no penalties for missing a class.
The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks which
"jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion.
As it were, these clocks were also not of the most
sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student
discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard
erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead one minute.

So, it became almost daily practice for these students to take
target practice at the clock. (As fortune would have it, this
particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students
considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed
erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor
strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them
"You have one hour to complete."

The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around
the room, gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had
successfully "jumped" the clock forward one hour, he closed
the class and collected the exam papers.

Life does teach some lessons the hard way.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 07 Aug 11 - 09:11 AM

This morning on the motorway,
I looked over to my right and there was a
Woman

In a brand new VW !!


Doing 75Mph

With her face up

next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away

For a couple seconds

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily..

But she scared me so much

I dropped

My electric shaver,

Which knocked

The meat pie

Out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying

To straighten out the car

Using my knees against

The steering wheel,

It knocked

My Mobile phone

Away from my ear

Which fell

Into the coffee

Between my legs,

Which splashed,

And burned

"Big Jim and the Twins",

Ruined the phone,

Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an

Important call.

BLOODY Women Drivers!!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Aug 11 - 07:43 PM

"Disturbance"

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with
a black eye. She told the sergeant she heard a noise in her back
yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew,
she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he
returned a half hour later with a black eye as well.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No sir," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."


-------
"In Bad Shape"

A man to his doctor. He said he was in bad shape.
He reported that he constantly gasped for breath
and his eyes bulged. The doctors observed and tested
him, and found that he constantly gasped for breath
and his eyes bulged tremendously. They told him--
guess what--that he was in bad shape. They didn't give
him long to live. He decided to live it up.

Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went
on a shopping spree. His last stop was at the most
expensive haberdashery in the city. He pointed out
a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen.

The clerk said, "Your neck looks bigger than fourteen.
You need a sixteen."

The man said, "I know my size. I want the shirt collars
in a fourteen."

The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to warn
you...if you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and your
eyes will bulge."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 08:21 AM

"Coffee Maker"

Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions
mixed up. When she got married her husband
bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers.
It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything
worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to
bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley
asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing
I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed
every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Jul 11 - 12:03 PM

"Divine Golf"

One sunny day Jesus, Moses and a small, elderly man
were playing golf.

Jesus was the first to tee off and he hit the ball a little
left and it ended up in the water hazard. Because it
was Jesus, his ball floated, and when he got down to
the hazard he walked upon the water and hit the ball
onto the green.

Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus he hit the
ball into the water hazard. When he got down to the
hazard, he parted the waters and hit the ball onto the
green.

The little old man was next, and he too hit into the
water hazard. Just then a big fish swallowed the
ball and began to swim away. A hawk swooped
down and grabbed the fish in its talons and started
to fly off. As the hawk passed over the green, it
tightened its grip on the fish which caused the ball
to pop out of the fish. The ball landed on the green
and rolled into cup.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with
your Dad!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Jul 11 - 08:47 AM

"Discharged"

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental
hospital. One day while they were walking past
the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to
the bottom and pulled him out. When the Director
of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from
the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally
stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna,
I have good news and I have some bad news. The good news
is that you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving
the life of the person you love... I have concluded that
your act displays sound-mindedness.

"The bad news, though, is that Ralph hanged himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I'm so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to
dry... How soon can I go home?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 24 Jul 11 - 02:08 PM

Judge: "And why did you slay your husband with the frying pan?"
Defendant: "He didn't want to eat his mushrooms."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Jul 11 - 02:09 PM

The A-B-Cs of Growing Older

Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But now let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure -- I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just
give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for tinnitus, with bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry (now what's going 'round?)
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest -- but just in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I've kept twenty-six 'doctors' fully employed.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: autolycus
Date: 14 Jul 11 - 05:05 AM

Got this from great Irish comedian Hal Roach [so clearly a different H.R.].


I sat down in restaurant in Donegal. The meny said,"T-Bone 50 pence."

I said to the waiter, "That's pretty cheap", and he said, "It's £8 if you want meat on it."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Michael
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 09:35 AM

"How's the wife?"
"She's in bed with acute angina."
"I didn't ask your opinion of her nether regions."

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: autolycus
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 04:20 AM

AS the couplare going to bed,

"Close the window darling, it's freezing outside."

"So if I close the window, it'll get warmer outside?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Jul 11 - 09:40 PM

"How's the wife?"
"Ah, she's in bed with laryngitis."
"Damn those Greeks!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: autolycus
Date: 12 Jul 11 - 06:02 AM

"Are you hen-pecked?"

"Don't know. I'll have to ask the wife."



One I got off the telly last night.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 12 Jul 11 - 05:14 AM

Friend 1: "Sorry, but I must confess it, I've slept for the last two years with your wife."

Friend 2: "Oh this bloody lying slut! She told me she had an intelligent and good looking lover!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: DMcG
Date: 11 Jul 11 - 10:25 AM

A genuine one in the local rag this week said "this is a 'spacious' property". Surely those quotations suggest the use of irony?

Years back we saw a property advertised as "next to a local landmark". It was next to a gasometer.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Jul 11 - 10:17 AM

"Real Estate Advertising Terminology"

* Unusual location:- In the path of a projected superhighway.

* Local authority grants available:- About to be condemned.

* Period residence:- Built in the last two years.

* Select neighborhood:- Beside sewage works.

* Compact:- Tiny.

* Country gentleman's residence:-
No longer suitable for agricultural tenants.

* Unusual features:- No roof.

* Delightful rural location:- In flight path of nuclear
bomber base.

* Box room:-
Suitable for accommodating one or two large
cardboard boxes, Folded.

* A wealth of period features:-
Yourself, dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit
best operated in insulated gloves and rubber galoshes.

* Quiet secluded setting:- On site of proposed dormitory
town.

* Well situated:- In full view of the neighbors.

* Within easy distance of:-
Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop local
amenities.

* Rare opportunity to buy:- No one else wants it.

* For the gardening enthusiast:- Grounds like a jungle.

* Extensively modernized:-
Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain.

* Unspoilt:- Zoning permission granted for field next
door.

* Deceptive appearance:- It looks terrible.

* Partial central heating:-
The room above the boiler can get warm in summer.

* Easily maintained:- Requires at least two gardeners and
live-in maid.

* Useful outbuildings:- No inside toilet.

* Much sought after:-
It's been on the market at least twice before and still
no one wants it.

* By private treaty:-
If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve
price.

* Owner eager to sell:-
If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won't be
noticed.

* Subject to new instructions:-
They have just discovered death watch beetle.

* Sold:- Unless idiots like you offer a higher price.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,999
Date: 10 Jul 11 - 11:21 AM

This slippery slope will lead to elephant jokes and herald once more the end of civilization as we know it.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 10 Jul 11 - 06:04 AM

"Do you know the difference between an apple and an elephant?"

"No."

"Then I wouldn't send you to buy a pound of apples; you might come back with a pound of elephants."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 10 Jul 11 - 01:30 AM

Indeed, Joe.

Are these variants of the old jingle "If we had eggs we could have ham & eggs, if we had ham"?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 09 Jul 11 - 07:58 PM

Oh, dear! Do Christians have those jokes too?

What's green, hangs on the wall, and whistles?
I don't know.
A herring.
But a herring isn't green.
It is if I paint it green.
But it doesn't hang on the wall.
It does if I hang it there.
But how can a herring whistle?
Nu, so it doesn't whistle.
    or
So I lied.
    or
I just put that in to make it harder.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 09 Jul 11 - 03:44 PM

Why is Father Christmas like a canary?

Because they both have beards {except the canary}.


What's green & grows and has 5 legs?

Grass {I was lying about the 5 legs}.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Jul 11 - 01:51 PM

What's the difference between a rowboat and Joan of Arc?

One is made of wood and the other is Maid of Orleans.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: michaelr
Date: 08 Jul 11 - 03:12 PM

Did you hear what happened to the young couple who didn't know the difference between K-Y lube and putty?


















All their windows fell out.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Jul 11 - 08:42 AM

"Voices Speaking To Me"

A woman opened the door of a building and was
about to step outside when she heard a voice saying,
"Don't take that next step or you'll regret it." She
paused and a brick came crashing to the pavement
right where she would have been standing. She
looked around and there was no one nearby.

The next day this woman was about to step into the
street when she heard this same voice say, "Don't take
that next step or you'll regret it." As she paused a truck
came racing by and smashed into a nearby vehicle.
She knew if she hadn't listened to that voice she
would have been hurt badly, or maybe even killed.

She looked behind her and there was no one nearby.
"All right," she said, "Who are you ?"

"I'm your guardian angel," the voice replied.

"Oh, if that's the case," the woman said, "Where
were you on my wedding day?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 07 Jul 11 - 08:41 AM

"I'm married now for twenty years and still loving the same woman." -
"And what does your wife feel for you?" -
"Well, I think she'll kill me if she ever finds out."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: machree01
Date: 05 Jul 11 - 02:44 PM

Man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you." She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies, "It's me talking to the beer."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Andrez
Date: 04 Jul 11 - 06:40 PM

Computer Haiku

The Web site you seek
cannot be located,
but countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows 7 crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash
reduces your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred?

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 04 Jul 11 - 02:59 PM

I'm so glad Wimbledon's finished.


It's just a big racket, isn't it?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: gnu
Date: 03 Jul 11 - 01:05 PM

Warning... not a PC joke.

Two Newfies, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favourite bar drinking beer.

Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic? ' Doug says, 'What's that?'

Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.

Subject: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Jul 11 - 12:58 PM

"Is There a Doctor in the House?"

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in
the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly
piled up in all directions while a woman rushed
to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his
collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed
her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had
a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took
from his pocket a small paperback book, called
"The Pocket Guide to First Aid", took the sick
man's pulse, and prepared to administer
artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and
said, "When you get to the part about calling a
doctor, I'm already here."