BS: Humor Us

Subject: Humor Us
From: Amos
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 10:48 AM

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On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer???

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: SharonA
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 11:30 AM

At Notre Dame, Quasimodo the Hunchback was ready to retire from bell-ringing. Looking for a replacement, he posted a "Help Wanted – Bell-ringer" notice on the cathedral door. The next day, a young man came to the cathedral to apply for the job. Strangely, though, the guy had no arms. Quasimodo interviewed him and asked, "How do you expect to ring the bell with no arms?" The man replied, "Well, I can run up to the bell and hit it wih the front of my head." Skeptical, Quasimodo decided to try him out: "It's almost noon," he said, "so if you can ring the bell with the front of your head all 12 times to chime the hour, the job is yours."

Noon came, and the guy began running up to the bell and hitting it with his head repeatedly, growing bloodier, more bruised and more dizzy with each ring. Still he staggered on, ringing ten times, eleven times... Finally, on his twelfth try, fighting multiple concussions, he ran up to the bell... and missed. He ran right out of the bell tower and flew through the air, down to the street below, killing himself. Quasimodo rushed down to the street where a crowd had gathered. They asked him, "Quasimodo! Who is this man who ran out of the bell tower to his death?"

Quasimodo answered, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."


Well, Quasimodo still needed a replacement bell-ringer, so he hung another "Help Wanted – Bell-ringer" notice on the cathedral door. The next day, another young man came to the cathedral to apply for the job. Oddly enough, this guy didn't have any arms either. Quasimodo interviewed him and asked, "Didn't you hear about the other guy with no arms who applied for this job, and died yesterday?" The man replied, "Yes, he was my brother. I would like to honor his memory by becoming the next bell-ringer for Notre Dame in his place." Deeply moved, Quasimodo decided to try him out: "It's almost noon again," he said, "so if you can ring the bell with the front of your head all 12 times to chime the hour, the job is yours."

Noon came, and the guy began running up to the bell and hitting it with his head repeatedly, as his brother had done, growing bloodier, more bruised and more dizzy with each ring. Still he staggered on, ringing ten times, eleven times... Finally, on his twelfth try, swaying on his feet and fighting to stay conscious, he ran up to the bell... and missed. He ran right out of the bell tower and flew through the air, down to the street below, killing himself. Quasimodo again rushed down to the street where a crowd had gathered. They asked him, "Quasimodo! Who is THIS man who ran out of the bell tower to his death?"

Quasimodo answered, "I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Amos
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 12:03 PM

Sharon....

If this were the real world you would deserve to be hunted down and spanked!!! Groaaaan!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Hollowfox
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 12:05 PM

You've got a lot of room to talk, Amos. *g*

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: wysiwyg
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 12:22 PM

Oy kids, be sure you take turns now so we can keep track of the score!

~Appreciative Reader

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 12:32 PM

A lawyer and a pope show up at the pearly gates at the same time. St Peter says "Follow me and I will take you to your accomodations. They get in an elevator and descend many floors, walk down a narrow hallway and St Peter opens the door to a tiny room with a cot, a sink with only a cold water spigot and a small widow that looked out on a brick wall. St Peter says to the Pope "This is where you will be staying." "Thank you St Peter, I had alway imagined heaven to be just like this."

"Now if you will follow me" St Peter says to the Lawyer, and they get back in the elevator and ascend hundreds of floors, the doors open and reveal a marble and glass penthouse with sweeping views of the fields of heaven. "This is where you will stay my son."

The lawer is dumfounded and stammers. " I dont get it, you just put the Pope, the hoiest man of my generation in what amounts to a closet, and yet you put me here! What have I done to deserve this?

St. Peter laughs " Son we have four hundred some odd Popes up here. You are the first Lawer."

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Hollowfox
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 12:50 PM

A devout priest and a taxi driver both arrived at the gates of Heaven at the same time. The taxi driver was given special treatment, admitted first, etc. The priest was devout, but he was human, and asked why the taxi driver got fussed over. An angel replied, "When you gave your sermon every week, everyone fell asleep and no one thought of Heaven. But every time he drove, the passenger thought of nothing else!"

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: ScottyG
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 01:49 PM

This one is meant strictly in jest, mind you.

Paddy and Sean are laboring at a building site just across the street from a house of ill repute. Paddy looks up to see the local Presbyterian pastor skulk up to the door of the whore house, glance around nervously, and sneak inside. Paddy says, "Would ya look at that, Sean? 'Tis Reverend O'Connel. Imagine a man o' the cloth patronizin' such a place! Is there nothin' sacred these days?"

The next day, they're working away at the same location, and Paddy looks up and sees the local Rabbi hurrying into the brothel, obviously trying not to be noticed. Paddy says, "Did ya see that, Sean? Rabbi Goldberg, 'twas. Another man who's supposed to be pious, and he's goin' into a place like that! What's this world comin' to?"

Next day, same place, Paddy happens to glance up to see the local parrish Priest just as he's disappering inside the den of iniquity. Paddy stands up straight, crosses himself, removes his cap and places it over his heart, and says, "Oh dear, Sean, there went Father Flanagan. One o' those poor girls musta' died."

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Troll
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 01:55 PM

Three men show up at the Gate and request admission.
Sez St. Peter to the first," Who are and what did you do to benefit mankind?"
The man answered, " my name is George. I was a stockbroker and every year I gave One Million dollars to cancer research. "Pass within." sez St. Peter."Next!"
I'm Frank and I was an oil man in Texas and I gave Two Million every year to help feed starving children."
"Pass within."sez St.Peter."And you?"
The third guy mumbles, "My names Joe but I guess I won't be coming in. I only made about $35,000 my whole life."
Really? sez St. Pete. "What instrument do you play?"

troll

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: SharonA
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 01:59 PM

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "You again?"

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: kendall
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 02:03 PM

I'm still laughing at Seamus Kennedy's line, A skeleton walked into a bar, and ordered a beer and a mop.

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 02:34 PM

Uh, OK, Kendall. Here's another one. Quasimodo was on his way out to work and his wife says, "Oh Quasi, dear!" He stops and says, "Wha?" She says, "What would you like for dinner this evening?" Quasimodo replies, "Anything but Chinese food. I'm sick of it." That evening, he walks in the front door, and sees his wife with a wok out on the table. He screams, "No! I said I didn't want Chinese food! I told you I was sick of it!" "Oh, be quiet, silly!" she says, "I'm just ironing your shirt!"

Seamus

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: SharonA
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 02:44 PM

Then there's the story of the man and wife who owned the Chinese restaurant. One night they're in bed together and things are gettin' hot 'n heavy, and the man says, "Hey, honey, ya wanna 69?"

And she says, "NOW? You want Moo Shoo Pork NOW??"

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 03:02 PM

An engineer died and appeared at the gates.

Well St Peter was off on an errand, and the angel filling in wasn't too bright, and he couldn't find the poor guys name in the big book, so he told him "You must be destined for Hell."

Well the engineer was kinda surprised, but he figured after all it can't be much worse than working for Boeing like he'd done all his life. Reluctantly, he follows directions to go to hell.

When St. Peter gets back, the stand in (he was only a temp) forgets to mention what had happened, so St. Peter doesn't find out about it for quite a while. After he looks things up in the book, he finds that a terrible mistake has been made. So he gets his visa and packs up and goes down to hell to see if he can get things fixed up.

When he gets to hell, it's really amazing.

Right at the entrance, theres this big ice cream machine. When he walks in, everything is all air conditioned. There's a musak machine playing lovely tunes (heavy on the Irish, perhaps). A nearby brimstone pit is powering a popcorn machine. There's a nice smooth escalator to take him down to the bottom of the pit where satan is waiting for him (he called ahead).

When he tells satan about the mistake (of course he blames it on his "secretary" - didn't wann admit he was using temps) satan says "No, I'm not gonna let you have that guy. He's got everything working here, and things are just a whole lot nicer having him around to keep things that way. I'm gonna keep him."

Well St Peter argues and argues, but he's getting nowhere, so he finally says "If that guy isn't back up in Heaven in twenty minutes I'm gonna sue you!"

To which satan says - "HA! Where you gonna get a lawyer?"

BA-DUM

John

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Troll
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 03:25 PM

A priest, a rabbi, A buddhist monk, and a llama walk into a bar. Guy at the bar gets up and sez,"S**t, I'm in the wrong joke!"

troll

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Justa Picker
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 03:49 PM

Two rednecks were out hunting in the woods.

After a while, one of them realized nature was calling quick and hard, but he was concerned about the fact that they had no access to toilet paper, or reasonable facsimile.

His friend made several suggestions including leaves and other natural, organic materials. None of this appealed to his friend, who was increasingly squirming as time dragged on. Finally his friend said "Jesus Christ man! Just use a dollar!!

His friend disappears into the woods, and 10 minutes later emerges, covered in shit from head to toe.

Upon seeing this spectacle his friend exclaimed "Fer chrisakes man, what the f--k happened to you???"

His friendly meekly replied: "Have you ever tried wiping your ass with 3 quarters, two dimes and nickel?!"

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Lin in Kansas
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 04:00 PM

Why don't blind persons skydive?

It scares the hell out of the dog.

How does a blind skydiver know when to pull the rip cord?

The leash goes slack.

Lin

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Marymac90
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 05:04 PM

SharonA, I didn't know ya had it in yuh!

Marymac

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: SharonA
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 06:32 PM

Had what in me? Where? Ew, get it outta me!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: wysiwyg
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 06:38 PM

LOL!

Hardi will love these, every one of them, too.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Gareth
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 06:53 PM

George W died - and went to hell.

The devil came to meet him " George", he said, "Your early, We just ain't got room for you. Tell y'll what I'll do - we'll release some poor sinner, now follow me."

Off they went - the first cavern they came to, there was Tricky Dicky up to his neck in boiling oil. "Well George, shall we release Richard M ?".

"No ", said George W.

The next cavern contained Ronald Regan, up to his neck in ice.

"No ", said George W.

The third cavern contained Bill Clinton - spreadeagled on a rock with Monica Lewinski bending over him, doing what ever Monica L does to Presidents.

"Well ??" says the Devil.

"Hmm ", thought George W. "It Could be worse !".

"Yes !!", says George W. "This will suit me".

"O.K.", says the Devil, "Monica you may go now".

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Aug 01 - 05:12 AM

I remember the first 'smutty' joke my Dad ever told me.

Guy dies and is shown Heaven and Hell. Heaven - all harps, clowds and heavenly singing. Hell - smoky bars, tankards of ale, loose women...

"I think I'll choose Hell" he says, but his guide tuts and shakes his head. Pulling him to one side the guy asks "What's wrong with Hell then? Looks a site more fun than Heaven."

The guide replies "Well, for a start the tankards all have holes in. And don't even ask about the women..."

;-)

Cheers

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: GUEST,Steve
Date: 23 Aug 01 - 05:24 AM

Back in the '70s, when I still smoked, I was walking back home one night and found I'd run out of ciggies. All the pubs had just shut, andf the nearest machine was right over the other side of town. Then I remembered the Chinese takeaway in Lower Rushall Street (you know? used to be next to The Cats). I wentr in and asked for twenty "No. 6". I came out with 10 lbs of egg fried rice.

Steve

OK, I know it;s an old joke, but this was 30 years ago!

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Troll
Date: 23 Aug 01 - 07:34 AM

A man in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said, "I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something."

The taxi driver says, "Not your fault, sir. It's my first day as a cabdriver. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."

troll

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: GUEST,Dagenham DOC
Date: 23 Aug 01 - 10:09 AM

a guy goes to get a face lift job.He comes out of the building and he's so pleased .. he can't wait to get some feed-back.He goes up to the newspaperman and says "How old do you think I am ?" the man says " about 29" ........" As it happens I'm 47" and he strides off well pleased.He pops into McDonalds and when he gets to the front of the queue he says to the young man behind the counter "How old do you think I am?" and the young man says" About 31" ......... "As it happens I'm 47" and off he goes. He goes up to the bus stop and there he finds a little old lady..He says "How old do you think I am?" and she says " In the old days there was always one way of guessing a mans' age and that was to feel his penis" The guy was a bit taken back at first ...then he looks down at the little old lady ..and he looks around the street and there's nobody there.. and he says " Alright then, I'll go along with you!!" She down there for about ten minutes.. and evenually says " You're 47" He says "That's amazing.. how do you know that ??" She says "I was behind you in the queue at McDonalds!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: ScottyG
Date: 23 Aug 01 - 12:26 PM

A Fable You Haven't Heard

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt at her touch would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds were the hardest substance in the world and could not possibly melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pants pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?






Why, M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand!

What were you thinking? You pervert!! Naughty! Naughty!!

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: kendall
Date: 23 Aug 01 - 12:41 PM

A mean Lion with a hangover was walking through his kingdom. He met a monkey and said "Who is the King of the jungle"? monkey says "You are." "Damn right, and dont you forget it." Next he met a gazelle, "Who is the King around here"? Gazelle says "You are, no question about it." Next he met an elephant, and said "Hey you, who is the king of the beasts"? the elephant grabs him with his trunk, slams him to the ground slaps him up against a tree, then pisses on him and walks away. Lion says "Just because you dont know the F.....g answer dont mean you gotta get all pissed off"!

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: GUEST,Nick
Date: 23 Aug 01 - 01:39 PM

How come ( dumb ethinic group of choice ) are never any good at duck hunting?

They can't throw the dog high enough.

Did you here about what the ( dumb ethinic group of choice )javalin team did at the last track meet?

Elected to receive.

Did you here about what the ( dumb ethinic group of choice )hockey team did at spring training?

Drowned.

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Blackcatter
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 01:10 AM

Greetings all

A Catholic, Buddhist, Daoist, Methodist, Lutheran, and Athiest die about the same time and find themselves at the Pearly Gates talking to St. Peter. He welcomes them to Heaven and lets them know that while the Christians got it right about the concept of Heaven, just about everyone is let in at the end of life because it's silly to be so picky.

The newcomers begin taking the tour with Pete and eventually meet up with loved ones, but the Daoist notices a large wall in the distance that seems to go on for miles. He asks Pete what that is and Pete says: "Oh, that's were we put Southern Baptists - For some reason they STILL like to believe they're the only ones up here."

Pax yall

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: BlueJay
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 03:50 AM

Three Nurses await entrance to heaven. Saint Peter asks the first, "What did you do"? She replied, "I worked in an inner city clinic, giving aid to poor adults and children without medical insurance, mostly for free".

"You may come in", he said

Saint Peter then asked the second nurse what she had done with her life. "I worked with a missionary group in South America, giving care to children who had never even heard of Doctors or modern health care, and tried to spread the word of God".

"You may come in", he said

When he asked the third nurse what she had done, she sheepishly repied, "I worked for an HMO".

Saint Peter scratched his beard for a few seconds, then said, "You may come in".

"Thank God"said the third nurse, "I thought you might not let me in"!

"Oh, you can come in", said Saint Peter, "But you can only stay for three days".

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: kendall
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 07:22 AM

A Baptist was standing in line to enter heaven. Up ahead he saw a prostitute, a lawyer and a drug dealer. When he got to St. Peter, he said "What is going on here? I saw a bunch of people who dont deserve to be here, and what is that gang over there pounding their heads against that wall"? St. Peter said, "Oh, those idiots? they are the ones who think we keep records up here."

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Helen
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 08:22 AM

Okay, you've got to think in Oz-stralian to get this joke - it won't work as well if you think in Yank-lish.

Three women, each with a daughter, are killed in a car crash.

The first mother and daughter go up to St Peter, he looks in the book and says: "Sorry madam, but you and your daughter will have to go down to hell. All your life you only ever thought about money, and you even called your lovely daughter Penny."

So the mother and daughter head off downstairs.

The next mother & daughter are told they can't come in & Peter says: All you ever thought about in your life was alcohol, and you called your daughter Sherry. Down you go as well.

The third mother grabs her daughter's hand, heads for the stairs and says: Come on Fanny, we're leaving!

Helen

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Wolfgang
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 08:29 AM

It was what I thought but just in case: Aussie slang dictionary

Wolfgang

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Amos
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 10:03 AM

Then there was the guy who was half (dumb ethnic group here) and half Italian. He made himself an offer he couldn't understand!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: ScottyG
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 10:45 AM

John, a devoutly religious man, lived in a low-lying neighborhood. One day, the local weather service warned of imminent flooding and advised evacuation. While everybody else was headed for higher, safer ground, taking what little belongings they could carry, John remained, steadfast in his faith that God would protect him.

The floods came, and the water rose. Soon, John went up on his roof to pray and await God's intervention. The water continued to rise ever higher. A rowboat was passing by John's house, and the occupants urged him to join them and get to safety. But John said, "No, I'm staying right here. I have faith that God will save me."

The water level was up to the eves on John's house, and continued to rise. John continued to pray. Another boat came by, and John was urged to get on board and get to higher ground. But John said, "No, thank you. I know God will keep me safe."

Still, the water rose until John was standing on the tips of his toes on the very peak of his roof, struggling to keep his head above water. Even then, he continued his prayers. This time, the pilot of a helicopter looked down and noticed John's predicament. The pilot hovered over John, and sent down a lifeline. He yelled to John to grab on and hold tight, and he would be lifted to safety. But John waved him away and said, "No, you go ahead, God will take care of me."

John was swept away and drowned. When he got up to heaven, he said to God, "All my life, I've had unshakable faith in you, but you let me down, God. Why did you ignore my prayers and allow me to perish in that flood?"

And God said, "Ignore your prayers, John? What do you mean I ignored your prayers? I sent you 2 boats and a helicopter."

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: SharonA
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 11:14 AM

...not to mention the evacuation warning!

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Amos
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 11:21 AM

I just love this one-on-one dialogue with the Almighty shtick. Human individual has a discussion with the Cosmic Source of Infinite Reality, who conveniently develops a first-person-singular for the event.

It's so....realistic, ya know?

A

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: SharonA
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 11:29 AM

I have a cartoon on my refrigerator showing a man groveling before a huge dog with a robe and halo. The dog is saying, "Yeah, a lot of people are surprised to find out they had the name backward..."

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: GUEST,PAH
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 11:47 AM

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: GUEST,PAH
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 11:59 AM

Two rednecks decide to make more of their life and go back to school. They arrive the first day and the first one goes into his counselors office and the counselor says well, I think you should start off with English, History and Logic. "Logic? What in tarnation is logic?"

The counselor replies,"I'll give you an example. First, do you own a weedeater?"

Redneck says, "Sure do!".

"Well, if you have a weedeater it's logical that you have a lawn".

"Sure Do!"

"And if you have a lawn, logic tells me that you have a house."

"Wow! That's amazing!!"

"And if you have a house logic says that you might be married."

"Betty Lou!!! Best little wife around!!!!! this is amazing!!!!

"And finally, if you are married, logic tells me that you are heterosexual."

"Well, I certainly am!!!!" I think I'm gonna like this logic thang!!!

The redneck goes out to his friend and tells him, "I'm gonna take English, History and Logic!"

"Logic? What in tarnation is logic???"

First rednect says, "I'll show you, ok, first, do you own a weedeater?"

Second redneck replies, "Nah, not me".

First redneck says, "Well, then you're queer!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: bill\sables
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 12:24 PM

Bill Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, Clinton went straight to heaven and the Pope went down to hell.
When St. Peter realised his mistake he phoned the devil and asked him to send the Pope up while he sent Clinton down.
On the way they both met and Clinton said to the Pope "Well Hi Mr Pope I see there was some sort of mistake but I sure as hell will be glad to meet all my old friends again down in hell"
The Pope answered "And I have always wanted to meet the saints and of course the Virgin Mary"
"Well Mr Pope"replied Bill Clinton "You're a couple of days late for the Virgin Mary"

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 01:08 PM

Manny sat in his dismal apartment, a revolver in his hand. "Oh God," he said, "I can't take it anymore. Look at this dump I'm living in! Look at these rags I'm wearing! Look at this ugly face You've cursed me with!" Slowly Manny raised the gun to his temple.

Suddenly, the God appeared, standing next to the coffee table. "Manny, Manny, Manny. Don't you know you've always been special to me? Here..." and God extended a one dollar bill to Manny. "Go forth to the newsstand and buy a lottery ticket, and this very night shall ye win the jackpot. Take that money and buy a fine home, expensive clothing, and a facelift."

Manny went to the newsstand, bought the ticket, and won the jackpot as it was foretold. He bought a house in the Hamptons as well as a penthouse in Manhattan. He filled his closet with expensive suits and sportsclothes. He got a facelift that made him look twenty years younger. It was while attired in one of his Bruno Magli suits and standing on 52nd Street waiting for the driver to bring his Jaguar around, that a bus jumped the curb, killing Manny instantly.

He found himself in Heaven, standing before God. "God!" Manny said, "I did everything you told me. I got the new house, new clothes, the facelift! I was happy for the first time in my miserable life! Why did did you suddenly decide to cut my life short?"

"Tell you the truth, Manny" said God, "I didn't recognize you."

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Deda
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 01:29 PM

So a fellow gets to heaven and St Peter is giving him a tour of the place, showing him the eternal library of all things, the many mansions, etc. They pass a break in the clouds and up from below comes the howls of the damned, weeping and wailing. "Who are those poor folks?" he asks. "Oh," says St Peter, "Those are the Mormons who smoked cigarettes and drank coffee." The tour continues, more heavenly mansions, but sooon there's another break in the clouds and again they hear wailing and groaning and gnashing of teeth. "Who's that?" asks the newbie. "Those are the Baptists who went out dancing with folks of the opposite sex," says St. Peter. He goes on, pointing out all the wonders of heaven, but then, again, they are interrupted by the sounds of human anguish coming up from the depth. "Who are those poor folks?" asks the fellow. "Those," sighs St Peter "are the episcopalians who used their salad forks on their dessert."

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Mary in Kentucky
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 02:10 PM

Three nuns from Bardstown (we have a lot of nuns around here) were in a car wreck, died immediately and went to heaven. St. Peter said, "Sisters, you've lived a good life and will certainly enter here, but I know you've never been with a man, so before entering heaven, just name any man in the world and you can "be with him" before you come on in.

The first nun said, "Tom Cruise." So "poof," he appeared, and they went off together.

The second nun (must have been from across the pond or related to Liz the Squeak) said Sean Connery. "Poof," he appeared and they went off together.

The third nun said (insert my husband's name here). St. Peter laughed...then said, "OK, but why?"

She replied, "All my life I've lived in Bardstown, and everybody says, Screw (insert my husband's name here)!

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 03:51 PM

The world's two laziest hillbilly rednecks were Buford and Bubba.

One morning, there is an ominous knocking on the door of Bubba's shack. Bubba answers to be greeted by a large group of men with DEA in big letters across their nylon windbreakers. "We've received an anonymous tip that there are illegal drugs buried in your potato field. Please remain in your premises while we conduct a search". So, Bubba stays inside and peeps out the window. He is amazed to see the agents dig up every square foot of his potato field, looking for drugs.

At the end of a very thorough search, the chief agent says, "I'm sorry for the inconvenience but we've found no drugs." and leaves. Soon after he leaves, the phone rings and it's Buford.

"What were all them fellers doin' in yer garden patch?"

"Lookin' fer drugs."

"Did they find any?"

"Naww, but they did dig up the whole place!"

"Well, it worked jist like you said! Tomorrow you kin phone and tell 'em that thar's drugs hid in a log in my woodpile!"

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 05:07 PM

So one day Jesus strolls down to the pearly gates and says to St. Peter, "Hey Pete! That job of yours doesn't look all that tough. Mind if I try?"
St. Peter says, "Well, all right, if you really want to," and goes off to play golf in another joke. Pretty soon, a small, wrinkled, old man, looking about three days older than water, comes tottering up to the desk.
Jesus looks down at him and says, "Can I help you, old man? You don't seem to be in the book here."
"Well," says the man, "I'm looking for my son. Have you seen him?"
"There are quite a few people up here," says Jesus. "Can you tell me something about him that would help me recognize him?"
The man thinks a bit, and then says, "Well, he had holes in his hands and his feet."
Jesus looks a bit surprised, and then says, slowly, "Tell me, old man, what did you do for a living?"
"I was a carpenter."
Jesus' eyes grow wide, and with a mixture of doubt and elation on his face, says...."Father?!"
The man's face lights up with a beautiful smile, and, his voice shaking with emotion, replies..."Pinocchio????"

All right, to even the religious score, the chief rabbi of Jerusalem dies and goes to heaven. God Himself meets him at the gate and says, "Rabbi, since you have lived such a holy and sainted life, I would like to invite you to dine with me."
The rabbi is thrilled beyond words. God takes him to a small private room, and goes out, saying, "I'll be right back with the food." Through an open door, the man can see a huge banquet room with sumptuous food piled on tables, and hundreds of people enjoying a magnificent meal. God comes back carrying a tray with a jar of pickled herring, a few slices of rye bread, and two bottles of Dr. Brown's soda. He butters the bread, serves the herring, and the two eat and share deep philosophical thoughts.
This same scenario is repeated night after night. Each night, the rabbi watches other people having a lavish banquet, while he and God eat herring and rye bread. Finally, he can no longer stand it.
"Lord of the Universe," he says, "I am grateful for the tremendous honor you show me by dining with me, and by having these wonderful discussions. But I must ask you, why are all those people having all that sumptuous food, while we simply eat pickled herring?"
God looks at the rabbi with a puzzled expression and says, "For just two...who wants to cook?"

Aloha,
Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 05:55 PM

Which brings us to perhaps my favorite genre of jokes...the Parrot Joke

Two old ladies lived at the top of a twenty story building. They lived all alone except for a parrot that they kept in the corner. Despite years of training, this parrot had only mastered one phrase....Who is it?. One day the old ladies discovered a leak under the kitchen sink. They called the plumber, who said he would be by the next afternoon. Now these ladies were both over 90, and it's understandable that by the next day they had forgotten all about both the leak and the fact that they had called a plumber at all, and they went shopping.

It was an extremely hot August afternoon when the plumber pulled up in his truck and unloaded two haevy bags of tools. He let out a tremendous sigh as he checked the building directory to find that the ladies lived at the top of twenty flights of stairs, in an un-airconditioned building. It took him nearly 20 minutes to struggle up the stairs with his 75 pounds of tools. I might add that this plumber was grossly overweight, and suffered from high blood pressure. By the time he reached the old ladies' door, he was in a state of near-exhaustion. He set his tools down and knocked on the door, and the parrot said who is it?

"It's the plumber, ma'am."

Some few seconds passed, and the bird repeated who is it?

The plumber cleared his throat and said "It's the PLUMBER."

Some more time went by before the bird said who is it?

"IT'S THE PLUMBER!"

There was a pause, and then the bird said who is it?

The man roared "IT'S THE PLUMBER!!!" then gasped, gripped his chest, and fell over dead with a heart attack.

Some hour later the two old ladies returned to their apartment, and were shocked to find a man's body at their door.

"Who is it?" exclaimed one old lady.

"IT'S THE PLUMBER!" said the parrot.

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Amos
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 06:46 PM

Gawd, LEJ, that is a subtle joke. I can just see you up in the hills relishing it for years.....

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Troll
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 07:00 PM

Three men, a Welshman, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were walking on the beach one day when they kicked up an old lamp.A genie appeared.
"I will grant each of you a wish." he said.
The Welshman said,"My family have always been farmers. Make all the land in Wales fertile so that we will not have to work so hard to make a living."
"Done!" said the genie.
The Frenchman said, "Build a high wall all around France so that no foreign cochon may enter my beloved country."
"Done" said the genie.
The Englishman says, " Before I make my wish, tell me about this wall."
"Well" said the genie,"It's twenty feet thick and forty feet tall and nothing can get in or out."
"Fine." says the Englishman. "Fill it with water please."

troll

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Gareth
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 07:14 PM

OK - on the Welsh farmers theme

There was this North Wales farmer who had hired a new farm hand.

Now on the first day he decided to take the new hand on a tour of the farm, so off they walked.

Evntually they came to a field, and the farmer said, " Now when ever your ploughing or mowing, leave", and he pinted to to cicle of land, not touched for years, " those two bits alone. They are very inportant to me for sentimental reasons."

"Well fine," said the farm hand, "but why ?".

"Oh, that bit there," pointing, "was where I first had sex".

"And the other bit ?"

"That was where her mother stood !".

"God God", said the farmer hand, "did not she say anything ??".

"Well, yes," said the farmer, "Baaaaah !, Baaaah ! Baaaaah !"

And on that note I'll leave you !

Gareth, from South Wales.

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Justa Picker
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 07:24 PM

Definition of an accountant?

Al Gore without the charisma.

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 11:07 PM

Meanwhile, back in Heaven...there was this man who was the meanest man in the world, by far, and one of the richest. He was miserly and selfish and rotten and when he finally died he went to the pearly gates with a smirk on his face. St. Peter looked at him and said, "You? Here? You've gotta be kidding! You're the meanest, nastiest, rottenest man who ever lived--you don't belong up here."
"Well," said the man, "I've been told that if you've done even one good deed in your life, you're entitled to go to Heaven."
"That may be true," said St. Peter, but we've been watching you, and you've done nothing but nasty nefarious no-good things all your life."
"Thank you," said the man, "but maybe you missed January 12, 1954. I was coming out of the theatre that night, and there was a little boy on the street selling newspapers for 5 cents each. I bought a paper from him and, out of the goodness of my heart, since it was such a cold and dark and miserable night, I gave him 25 cents and told him he could keep the change."
St. Peter looked at the man, then looked at his book, then looked at his assistant, who also looked at the book. "Uh...I think I'd better check with the Boss," he said. "I'll be right back."
"Fine," said the man with a smile, "I'll wait."
St. Peter went and showed God the entry for that day, because it had happened exactly the way the man said. "But Lord, this is the meanest man who ever lived. How can we possibly let him into Heaven?"
God looked at the book, then raised his eyes and sighed. "Listen, Peter, I'll tell you what we should do. Give the guy his quarter back, and tell him to go to hell."

Aloha,
Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: BlueJay
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 02:51 AM

It helps if you can get in the mindset of a Nurse, relating to doctors, (who think they have all the power), to get these two:

Q: What's the difference between a nurse and a nun?

A: A nun only serves one God.


A nurse dies, and while waiting for admission at the pearly gates, sees an old gentleman in a white lab coat, with a stethoscope around his neck. "Dammit", he/she asked of Saint Peter, "Is that a damned doctor over there"?
Saint Peter answered, "No, that's God. He just thinks he's a doctor".

This is a lot of fun! Thanks all, BlueJay

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Banjer
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 04:57 AM

Hillary Clinton dies and goes to heaven. While she is standing in front of St Peter's desk waiting to be processed in she notices clocks everywhere she looks. "Excuse me", she says to St. Peter, "but what are all these clocks doing here?"

St. Peter explains that those are honesty clocks and that each time a person tells a lie his clock advances another minute.

Hillary notices that there are some clocks that don't seem to have advanced at all.

St. Peter says that those clocks belong to the Pope, Ghandi and Mother Teresa.

Hillary then looks around and asks St Peter where her husband Bill's clock is.

St Peter tells her, "Oh that's in God's office, he uses it for a fan!"

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 05:32 PM


Heard about the rancher that put an ad in the newspaper - looking for a stock man?

A young kid shows up, wearing sandals, cut-offs, a tank-top with cutout sleeves, and several tatoos.

Rancher takes one look and thinks "This for shore ain't no cow hand."

Kid tells him, "I'm about the best hand you're gonna find in these parts. I can do anything you need done around the ranch."

Rancher thinks, "Well, I ain't had many takers show up for this job. I suppose I oughta see what this kid can do." So he tells the kid "Go over in the barn and saddle up horse. Then come out here to this corral, and cut out one of them steers, and brand him. If you can do all that, I'll think about givin' you a job."

So the kid goes back to the barn and saddles up the biggest, meanest horse he can find there. He grabs himself a rope off the barn wall, and rides the snorter out, jumps the fence, cuts out the meanest lookin' steer in the corral, throws him down, brands him, cuts him loose, hops back on the horse and trots back over to the rancher.

The ranchers is pretty impressed, but he can't help commenting:
"That's a pretty good piece of work, but you sure don't look like a cowboy.
Ya got no cowboy boots, you ain't even got no decent bluejeans.
You ain't wearin' a belt, let alone havin' a proper fancy belt buckle.
Cain't even call what your wearing a proper shirt, let alone it ain't got pockets with little flaps on ta keep things from fallin out.
And ya ain't even got no hat, let alone a proper Stetson."

The kid says "Hey, if ya wanted a truck driver ya shoulda mentioned it in the ad.


From my bald-headed son, the truck driver

John

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Rollo
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 05:34 PM

There were these musicians passing a pub.

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 06:24 PM

Before entering the joke phase of this thread, let me say that the biggest laugh I've had in a long time just came to me from WW......Truth is often quite a bit funnier than jokes............READ THIS AND TRY NOT TO LAUGH----I DARE YOU!!!!!!

**********************************************************

Mistaken Rapture Kills Arkansas Woman
............by Elroy Willis

ARKANSAS CITY (EAP) -- A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's sun roof during an incident best described as a "mistaken rapture" by dozens of eye witnesses.

Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile-up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she claimed was Jesus.

"She started screaming "He's back!, He's back!" and climbed right out of the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene.

"I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Willams said. She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky," he went on to say.

"This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," said Paul Madison, first officer on the scene.

Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and discovered that he was on his way to a toga costume party, when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow-up sex dolls filled with helium which then floated up into the air. > > Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in frustration, and said "Come back," just as the Williams' car passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into the sky as they passed by him, according to her husband, who says his wife loved Jesus more than anything else.

When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied "This is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything ! like this to happen."

**********************************************************

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Gareth
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 06:29 PM

Spaw -

I can not beat that - and I doubt if anybody else can !!!

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: AliUK
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 06:30 PM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *HICCUP* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 06:34 PM

Damn I'm glad that didn't happen in Kentucky!

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Dave Wynn
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 07:45 PM

Two wildlife photographers were walking the African bush. Stepped into a clearing and stood about 30 metres away was the meanest lion you ever saw. One of the guys threw down his camera's and started to put on a pair of Nike trainers , the other guy said "No way you are going to outrun that lion no matter what your footwear" the first guy says "look man...I only gotta outrun you"

Spot.

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 07:56 PM

Jesus is out for a heavenly stroll. Passing by the Pearly Gates he notices that Saint Peter is motioning to him.

"Is there something you need?" Jesus asked.
"Yes Lord," replied St.Peter. "I need to take a quick break."
"I'll be happy to watch things," said Jesus. "What do I do?"
"It's easy. Ask about their job, their children, that sort of thing."

Peter left and soon a very old man arrived, bent and twisted with age.

"Welcome," said Jesus. "You look as though your life was hard."
"It was a tough life. You see, I was a woodworker," stated the old gent.
Thinking of his own earthly occupation, Jesus smiled in appreciation. "Did you have any children?" asked the Saviour.
"Yes, I had a son but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward, looking more closely. "What do you remember of him?"
"Just the holes in his hands and feet," sighed the old man.
Jesus leaned forward even further and speaking softly, asked, "Father?"
The old fellow slowly looked up.
........"Pinocchio???"

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 08:11 PM

Oh, Lord....

LOL!

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 08:17 PM

There you go not reading the whole thread again, Catspaw.

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 08:50 PM

I've been reading it right along......Missed that one huh? Well sheeit fire Bub........Havta' come up with anothern!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 09:04 PM

It's so hard to say "wait a minute...I've heard that one" in this format. Course, I didn't realize it til you got to the punchline. :>}

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 09:21 PM

Well here's one that oughta' end the thread...........

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: katlaughing
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 10:40 PM

Totally gross, Spaw!*BG*

BTW, the one from WW was an urban myth started just this year!

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 10:59 PM

Hey thanks, 'Spaw, I really needed that. I think you should stick to stealing my jokes.

And really...filled with helium? Gimme a break! That should have tipped you off to its urban legendarity. Unless the guy was planning on talking with a funny voice after he deflated 'em...

But here's my all time favorite ethnic joke:

Three ethnics were trying to decide what the world's greatest invention was. The first one said it had to be the rocket ship, because you can travel to the other side of the universe. The second one said, no, it had to be television, because you can actually see and hear what's going on on the other side of the world. The third one said, "You guys are all wrong. It's the thermos bottle."
The other two stared at him. "Man, you gotta be the dumbest ethnic in the world. What do you mean, a thermos bottle?"
"Well," he said, "If you put hot coffee in a thermos bottle in the morning, when you open it up at night, it's still hot."
"Yeah?" said the other two.
"Yeah, and if you put ice water in it, at night it's still cold!"
"So?" asked his friends, losing patience.
"So," he said, triumphantly, "HOW DOES IT KNOW?"

Aloha,
Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 11:48 PM

Always loved that one Mark.......Heard it first as an actual comeback line. Sitting around and talking, someone started going on about styrofoam and how amazing it was......a perfect set-up and a friend of mine said, "Yeah, but how do it know?" ....like I said, a perfect set-up.

I hadn't checked myself, but I'm sorry to hear that's an urban myth........Somehow I could just see it happening...........Pity..............

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Escamillo
Date: 25 Aug 01 - 11:53 PM

A bad guy dies and arrives at the Gates firmly sure that he would be immediately sent to Hell. A 4th class angel receives him and consults his books. "hmm, let me see.. yes, sure, you go to hell" - "Oh, God, .. well, ok, but how can I reach there, how will I know my place ?" - "Don't worry, you will be allowed to choose a Hell you like". A trap opens under his feet and the guy is unelegantly transported to a torrid desert, in front of a wall which showed some doors and signs. He approaches the first, and sees "GERMAN HELL". Three other guys were waiting at the door. -"Hey, how is this hell ?" - "Well, there are carpet of nails, boiling shower, and once an hour the Devil passes and stabs you with his trident" - "yeeach - let's see another one".

The next door was the FRENCH HELL. -"ah.. torments ?" - "Here,carpet of nails, boiling shower, and once an hour the Devil passes and stabs you with his trident" - "ok,ok". Next was THE U.S.A. HELL, same comments at the door, but a rumor was coming from the corner. He walks to the next street and sees an enormous multitude of souls, argueing, screaming and beating each other. The sign: "ARGENTINEAN HELL" . The guy figths to reach the door and cries "hey, how's the torture here? " - "No jodá, boludo"(Don't bother me, asshole) - "Please, please" - "Well, carpet of nails, boiling shower, and once an hour the Devil passes and stabs you with his trident" . Annoyed, the guy screams "So, why is these people fighting here for a place ?" - "ok, I'll tell you: this is the Argentinean Hell, the nails were all stolen, the boiler has been out of order for 25 years, and the Devil comes, signs the book and goes away !!"

Guaranteed made in Argentina. Un abrazo - Andrés, from Buenos Aires

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: katlaughing
Date: 26 Aug 01 - 12:12 AM

Oh, Andres!! Rog and I liked that oen very much! It could be Venezuelan, too!*bg*

Nice to see you here, darlin'.

Un Abrazo,

katalina

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: MAG
Date: 26 Aug 01 - 12:57 AM

I heard it 20 years ago in Nicaragua. -- MA

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Escamillo
Date: 26 Aug 01 - 01:25 AM

Oh, again those Nicaraguans copying us! :)

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Ebbie
Date: 26 Aug 01 - 02:52 AM

Guest 12:32, I'm still trying to figure out the significance of the widow doing that? :)

Ebbie

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Banjer
Date: 26 Aug 01 - 09:45 AM

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!

One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white baby. Thevillage is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Even Stevie Wonder could see what s been going on!"

The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white baby."

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Biskit
Date: 26 Aug 01 - 02:39 PM

A fella goes to work in a (ahem) adult novelty store it's his first day so the owner sticks around for awhile just in case he has any questions, after awhile it seems like he has it under control so the owner leaves on some errands. A few customers come in browse for awhile and leave, and then this lovely petite redhead comes in and immediatly walks over to the vibrator display behind the counter. She stands there wide eyed for quite awhile without sayin' anything finally the new guy asks if he can be of assistance,she looks up shyly and says how much for that little white one, he looks at the tag and says that's our $10.00 model, Oh! she says how much for that large black one, he looks and says that's our $25.00 model, um hum she says, and contiues looking suddenly her eyes get really big and she says WOW! how much for the plaid one? The salesman says I'm afraid thats not for sale but if it were, it would cost $75.00. She says thats the one I have to have! after some further conversation he relents and she pays her money and leaves. A little while later the owner comes back from his errands and asks the new guy if he sold anything, the new guy says, well the store didn't make anything yet, but this lady just paid me $75.00 for my Alladin Thermos. ~B~

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Amos
Date: 26 Aug 01 - 03:25 PM

Yeah, well how come it was a REDHEAD, huh? Always choosing the redheads for your F-Street humor!! I suggest you refer to them as chromatically endowed from now on.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 26 Aug 01 - 03:45 PM

Yeah, but, Biskit, how did it know?

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: TheMuse
Date: 26 Aug 01 - 03:51 PM

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like,'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?' The new priest says those things,trying them out.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit! What happened next?'

TheMuse

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: wildlone
Date: 26 Aug 01 - 04:34 PM

You could just Click here
dave

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Banjer
Date: 26 Aug 01 - 05:11 PM

A new parrish priest discovers his bicycle is missing. He can not believe that someone in his parrish would stoop so low as to steal it. He calls his bishop and asks what he should do. The wise old bishop says that on teh following Sunday he should preach on the ten commandments and when he gets to the one aboout 'thou shalt not steal' lay it on hot and heavy. Watch for who squirms the most and that will most likely be the guilty party.

The following Sunday the bishop joins the congregation for the sermon and listens carefully. No emphasis is put on the part of not stealing....After the service he asks the priest why he didn't lay it on heavily at that particular point of the sermon. The priest replied that it was not necessary, for when he got to the part about 'thou shalt not commit adultery' he suddenly remembered where he had left his bike!

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: guinnesschik
Date: 27 Aug 01 - 09:29 AM

Three old ladies, Bertha, Gertrude, and Agnes, were sitting on a park bench, enjoying the afternoon sun. A dirty old man in a trenchcoat walks up to Bertha and flashes her. Bertha has a stroke.

Next, the dirty old man walks up to Gertrude and flashes her. Gertrude has a stroke.

Finally, the dirty old man walks over to Agnes and flashes her, but Agnes has arthritis really bad and can't get her stroke.

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: GUEST,PAH
Date: 27 Aug 01 - 11:11 AM

More Thermos humor...

A blonde/brunette/redhead (take your choice!) walks into a store and asks about the thermos behind the counter. The salesman tries to explain that it's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. She is just amazed and buys it immediately. The next day at work she is bragging about her new thermos to a co-worker. She said, "It's great!! It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!!" Trying to control his laughter he said, "So, whatdaya got in there??" She said, "Two cups of coffee and a popcicle!!"

Frank

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Biskit
Date: 27 Aug 01 - 02:39 PM

Mark, How did it know what? and Amos I've always had a soft spot in my heart for redheads,...every since my first love, "Heather",(Biskit softly sighs at this point) there are many things about her that I'm gonna miss forever. The beautiful,thick, red hair that hung to the back of her knees in curls is but one thing. Now that you are aware of my nostalgia where red hair is concerened I hope you won't find fault in my describing one that I wanted to portay as having great beauty as one also having red hair. It just kinda goes together for me. *Peace* ~Biskit~

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: SharonA
Date: 27 Aug 01 - 02:50 PM

"The beautiful,thick, red hair that hung to the back of her knees in curls..." But enough about Biskit's Irish Setter... ;^) (kidding! just kidding!)

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Amos
Date: 27 Aug 01 - 03:47 PM

Biskit:

Peace in return, mate. I understand about the compelling beauty of redheads. I was just cracking wise about the politically correct currents of our age and how dumb I think they are. Now about your love affair with that Irish Setter....

A.

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Aug 01 - 07:05 PM

The Rabbi rose with a red face..."Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community."

No one moved.

The Rabbi continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!"

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop, rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan... I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Gareth
Date: 27 Aug 01 - 07:57 PM

Oh my ! - look you ! - The Rabbi and the Blond - this is about to become the Minister and the Druids.

DaveO - BravO - I thank you.

Which reminds me of the old, old story.
The Roman Legion was marching into Wales - They tramped up this little South Wales Valley when out of the mist came a voice
"One Welshman is worth Two romans - come up and fight !!
"Right", said the Commander, "Two of you up there and let him feel Roman steel "
Two legionairs marched of into the mist. There was a clashing of steel, and screams - Then out of the mist came a voice
" One Welshman is worth a whole Manipule (10) of Romans".
Off went 10 Romans, again there came a screaming and a clashing of steel and out of the mist a voice
"One Welshman is worth a whole Centuary of Romans !".
Off went 100 Romans, again there was a clashing of steel, and screams and a voice "One Welshman is worth a whole Legion of Romans !
At this the Commander of the Legion had had enough - and the whole Legion began to advance up the hill in to the mist.
As they advanced "they found this wounded Legionaire crawling back down again.
, "Careful Sir, it's a trap", exclaimed the dying Roman, " There's Two of them".

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Naemanson
Date: 27 Aug 01 - 08:08 PM

Gareth, I first heard that joke when I was in the Navy. As we told it there was a sailor on a hill who taunted a company of Marines marching by.

It's one of the old gold jokes. I love them all.

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Gareth
Date: 27 Aug 01 - 08:56 PM

USN or RN, Royal Marines or USMC ??

Not that it matters but it reminds me of the story of when the RN, the Booties and the Army had barracks in Chatham Kent.

Taditionally the Redcaps & Regulating Branch of the Navy would go round in joint patrols for tradition had it that :-

On Fridays the Marines and Army would gang up against the Navy
On Saturdays the Matelots and Army would gang up against the booties
and to round the week off on Sunday, the Navy and the Marines would gang up on the squaddies (Army)

Ah happy days - funny enough my brother recently had 3 months a relief manager of a bar in Union Street, Plymouth, things havent changed.

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Aug 01 - 09:09 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 27 Aug 01 - 11:19 PM

Matt McGuinn turned that joke into a wonderful song, Grigaloo, which I'm happy to see is also in the DT. It's on Gordon Bok's collection, "The February Tapes" (vol. I), and I'm not sure who else has recorded it.

Possibly true thread creep: Matt had been mostly known for writing parodies and funny songs, and then wrote the lovely song, "The Rolling Hills of the Border". Apparently he was somewhat chagrined when John Roberts and Tony Barrand turned that into the classic parody, "The Rolling Mills of New Jersey."

Aloha,
Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 27 Aug 01 - 11:58 PM

As we are rcycling or favourite jokes...

A Newfoundlander calls the Salvation Army

"Do you save fallen women?"

"Of course we do."

"Good! Den save a couple for me for Saturday night!"

-

A Newfoundlander

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Naemanson
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 06:59 AM

Gareth, it was USN and USMC. And I didn't understand your last sentence at all! Are we speaking the same language? *Grin*

It occurred to me that there are pplenty of joke songs out there. Mark mentioned Matt McGuinn's song and that reminded me of the song about the woman selling her husband's corvette and then there is I'd Like To Have A Mistress.

Maybe that topic deserves a thread of its own...

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: GUEST,Celtic Soul
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 10:05 AM

Two men sitting in a prison cell. One says to the other, "Apparently, it's OK to clone sheep but not dollar bills".

A guard and an inmate are conversing in the yard when the inmate says, "I'm through bouncing checks. It's too easy to qualify for a credit card".

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 11:21 AM

Here in Minnesota, we tell lots of "Sven and Ole" jokes, or "Ole and Lena" jokes. Here's one:

Ole got a job with the State Highway Department, painting the stripes down the middle of the highway. The first day on the job, he painted 5 miles of stripes, and his supervisor was mighty pleased.

The second day on the job, he painted only about a mile and a half, and the third day, he painted less than a mile. The boss asked, "What's wrong, Ole?"

Ole said, "I think I'm getting too far away from the paint can."

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Amos
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 12:00 PM

A couple of Redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

...There is a silence, then a shot is heard....

The hunter says, "OK, now what?"

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: GUEST,PAH
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 04:12 PM

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat! Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. After all, it was the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the friggin' ship?"

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Gareth
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 04:23 PM

Naemason

Sorry at times I forget we are a common people sepperated by a common language.

Ah happy days - funny enough my brother recently had 3 months a relief manager of a bar in Union Street, Plymouth, things havent changed.

Translation - Things don't change. My Brother was sent by the Brewery which he worked for to Manage a Pub in Union Street Plymouth as a tempory posting whilst they found a permenant manager. Union Street Plymouth is the main drinking area etc in Plymouth. Plymouth has a big Navy base, and Army Barracks. The Mateloe's, Marines and Army still take turns to beat each other up.

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: SharonA
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 04:30 PM

But who/what are Mateloes? (please define for the ignorant American – thanks!)

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Biskit
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 04:31 PM

Sharon, How'd you know I was talkin' about my ol' huntin' bud?? Best darn Birder I'd ever had!

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: GUEST,AliUk (from a different comp)
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 04:34 PM

Matelots are sailors it's pronounced /mattlows/. My brother was a Rn sailor and I went out with him and his mates one night down the strip in Plymouth...my one and only ever lost weekend

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Helen
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 07:16 PM

A variation on Amos's last joke:

A man is out driving in the bush, speeding along late at night. Suddenly he hits something, jumps out of the car and checks it out.

He gets out his mobile phone, and in a big panic, calls his best mate.

"Hey, mate! I've just killed a pig. What am I going to do with it?"

His mate says: "That's great! Gut it and tie it to the car bonnet and we'll have a barbecue."

So his mate hangs up, goes and does it and then gets back on the phone.

"Okay, I've done that, but what am I going to do with the motorcycle?"

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: SharonA
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 07:34 PM

Thanks for the info, AliUk.

Biskit: It was just a hunch! (The back-of-the-knees thing tipped me off.) They do stay in your heart, don't they?

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Gareth
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 07:54 PM

AliUk thanks for correcting my spelling - I can assure you going on the beer with the RN is not something you want to do to often - but then youv'e learnt- as did I.

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 08:08 PM

Here's the story about the Corvette as I heard it sung by Betsy Rose, who got it from John McCutcheon, who got it from...who swears it might be true. I'll leave in all the 80s references--I heard it at the Puget Sound Guitar Workshop in 1986. If anyone's interested I can probably make a MIDI of the tune as I remember it. Betsy said that John did it as a basic three-chord folksong, but "I can't write a three-chord song to save my life, so I changed it to an Irish a cappella ballad."

A TRUE STORY

One morning while reading the paper, in search of a new set of wheels
The classifieds had such a curious ad, in their listings of automobiles
I read in suspicious amusement what seemed like a wild stroke of luck:
"Corvette Stingray," it said, "low mileage, bright red, '83 model...sixty-five bucks."

Now I was used to my newspaper's typos, still I called up the number straightway
"'Bout that '83 'Vette, have you sold the thing yet?" She said, "No, you're my first call today"
I said, "There's been some mistake in the paper, they've printed the ad wrong somehow"
"Oh, no," replied she, "They got that from me" -- I said, "Don't sell that car, I'm leaving now!"

Well, her address was in a part of the city where I'd wandered just one time or two
Where the doctors, bank presidents and lawyers are residents, and the houses are massive and new
As I drove up her half-a-mile driveway, there in the heat of the day
In the sunlight it gleamed, the car of my dreams -- only sixty-five dollars away

The interior was made of white leather, it had a 487 V-8
Gull wingspan doors, Hurst four on the floor, and the 8-channel tape deck was great
There was chrome on the chrome on the fenders, in an aerodynamic design
A phone, a TV, and it was bogglin' to me how for sixty-five bucks it was mine

Now I suspected the woman was crazy, to be selling the car at this price
But as we walked down the lane she seemed perfectly sane; she was charming and really quite nice
She smiled with such great satisfaction as she handed me title and keys
I said, "I've just got to know why you let this thing go--What's wrong with this car, tell me, please?"

She said, "I'll be sixty come Tuesday, and I've lived here with my husband Earl
After forty years wed, and without a word said, he left me for some young teenage girl
With his credit cards here on the table, I knew that he couldn't go far
Last night from Florida he sent a wire to me, it said, 'I need money, dear....SELL THE CAR!'"

Aloha,
Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 09:26 PM

Classic urban myth.

DAve Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 29 Aug 01 - 12:13 AM

Not even an urban myth, Dave...just a good joke! And very well told, I think.

Aloha,
Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Aug 01 - 09:49 AM

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they had missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: SDShad
Date: 29 Aug 01 - 10:30 AM

Ah, Jim, me boy, you're getting me all misty-eyed for the Motherland with your Ole joke.

So, one year, it's a pretty hard winter, and it starts early. First big snowstorm in November, and Ole and Lena are sitting watching the WCCO six o'clock news, and it's announced that all cars need to be parked on the even-numbered side of the street for snow removal or you'll get ticketed.

"Better get out there and move the car, then, Ole," says Lena. So Ole dutifully puts on his winter gear, and goes and moves the car to the even-numbered side of the street.

Snow plows come through, and don't you know five days later there's another big blizzard. So this time WCCO announces you've got to park on the odd-numbered side, and being a good citizen, Ole goes and moves the car to the odd-numbered side of the street.

More snow plows, and not another four days goes by before there's another storm. Lena goes to turn on the TV at six to get the snow-removal-parking instructions from WCCO again, but Ole stops her.

"Darn it, Lena, I've had enough. I don't care if they do give me a ticket, this time I'm leavin' the car in the garage."

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: GUEST,PAH
Date: 29 Aug 01 - 02:06 PM

Brandy, a single parent was praying one day, "Dear Lord, I'm a single parent and don't make much money, please if you could, let me win the lottery". She doesn't win and a few weeks later she is praying again, "Lord, please, I've been a good servant, I've lost my job and I don't know how I'll pay my bills, please let me win the lottery," Again she doesn't win and a few weeks later she's praying again, "Lord, why have you not heard my prayers, I've always traveled the moral path, I've always been a good servant, and now I've lost my house, please, please, let me win the lottery!!!!" The sky rumbles and with a crack of thunder the Lord speaks, "Brandy, meet me halfway, buy a ticket!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Amos
Date: 29 Aug 01 - 04:38 PM

These two old men are sitting by a park bench, one a gray-haired Formosan, the other a tired Jewish gentleman of some eightfive years.

After a while the Jewish gentleman gets up and slaps the othe rman in the face.

Outraged, the Formosan demands "Wot was that foh?"

"Pearl Harbor", says the other man.

"HEY!! I not Japanese, I Chinese!" says the Formosan.

"Japanese, Chinese, all the same to me!" says the grumpy Jewish gentleman, and sits back down.

After a while the Chinese gent gets up and slaps the other man in the face. The Jewish gent immediately demands to know why.

"For sink Titanic!!", replies the Formosan.

"The TITANIC??" yells his companion. "That was a damn Iceberg!!"

"Iceberg, Greenberg, Goldberg, alla same ME!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Troll
Date: 29 Aug 01 - 09:56 PM

Lena and Ole are sitting on the sofa watching TV when suddenly Lena reaches over and gives Ole a good hard thump on the back of his head.
"Now what the heck was that for?", he says.
"That's for being such a lousy lover all these years."
So Ole thumps her."Why'd'ja' do that?" says Lena.
"Thats for knowing the difference." syas Ole.

troll

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: catspaw49
Date: 30 Aug 01 - 12:00 AM

This guy goes into a computer bar and says, "I wanna' drive someone fuckin' nuts." Bartender looks at him and says, "Log onto www.mudcat.org and start a thread about that movie 'Songcatcher.'"

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Dagengham DOC
Date: 30 Aug 01 - 02:25 AM

Jesus was a typical man.... he said he'd be back again and no one's seen him since DD

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Troll
Date: 30 Aug 01 - 11:16 AM

A friend(Dirtsprite) sent these.
>FW: The Blues: tutorial > > > > You too, can learn to write the Blues; A tutorial. > > > > > > 1. Most Blues begin with "Woke up this morning..." > > > > > > 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you >stick > > > something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the > > meanest > > > face in town." > > > > > > 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat >it. > > Then > > > find something that rhymes... sort of "Got a good woman with the >meanest > > > face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. > > She's > > > got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weighs 500 pounds." > > > > > > 4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in >a > > > ditch-ain't no way out. > > > > > > 5. Blues cars Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues > > don't > > > travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues > > > transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft >and > > > state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the runnin.' Walkin' plays >a > > > major part in the blues lifestyle. So does a-fixin' to die. > > > > > > 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't a-fixin' to die yet. >Adults > > > sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get >the > > > electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. > > > > > > 7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any >place >in > > > Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just >clinical > > > depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still good places >to > > > have the Blues. Most places that start with San are good bluesy >places > > like > > > San Diego, San Francisco, and San Antonio. > > > > > > 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't got the blues. A woman with > > male > > > pattern baldness does. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is >not > > the > > > blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is. > > > > > > 9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The >lighting > > is > > > wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. > > > > > > 10. Good places for the Blues: > > > a. highway > > > b. jailhouse > > > c. empty bed > > > d. bottom of a whiskey glass. > > > > > > Bad places for the Blues: > > > a. Nordstrom's > > > b. gallery openings > > > c. Ivy League institutions > > > d. golf courses. > > > > > > 11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you > > happen > > > to be old and you slept in it. > > > > > > 12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if > > > a. you are older than dirt > > > b. you are blind > > > c. you shot a man in Memphis > > > d. you can't be satisfied. > > > > > > No, if > > > a. you have all of your teeth > > > b. you were once blind but now can see > > > c. the man you shot in Memphis lived > > > d. you have a 401K or trust fund. > > > > > > 13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger > > Woods > > > cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also >got >a > > > leg up on the blues. > > > > > > 14. If you ask for water and your darling gives you gasoline, it's the > > > Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are cheap wine; whiskey or > > bourbon; > > > muddy water; and nasty black coffee. The following are NOT Blues > > beverages: > > > Perrier; Chardonnay; Snapple; and Slim Fast. > > > > > > 15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues > > death. > > > Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. >So > > > are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a >broken-down > > > cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or > > while > > > getting lipo-suction. > > > > > > 16. Some Blues names for women Sadie; Big Mama; Bessie; or Fat River > > > Dumpling. > > > > > > 16. Some Blues names for men Joe; Willie; Little Willie; or Big >Willie. > > > > > > 18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer and Heather >can't > > sing > > > the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. > > > > > > 19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: > > > a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) > > > b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) > > > c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For > > > example Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi > > > Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.") > > > > > > 20. I don't care how tragic your life if you own a computer, you >cannot > > sing > > > the blues. > > > > > > (DAMN!) > > > > > >

_________________________________________________________________ troll

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Metchosin
Date: 30 Aug 01 - 12:12 PM

Two Newfoundlanders were out for a walk one evening with their dogs. They were passing through town when they noticed that there was a dance in progress in one of the local establishments.

They both decided that they would like to go to the dance but realized they wouldn't be able to get in with their dogs. Just then, one of the buddies got a bright idea. "Watch me! Just do exactly what I do and I'll guarantee they will let you in!", whereupon he slipped a leash on his dog and donned a pair of sunglasses and approached the fellow who was minding the door.

The man at the door said "Hey, you can't go in there with that dog!"

"But this is my guide dog!" the Newfie protested, "Why without him, I'd be crashing into the tables, falling over the drums and bumping into people, I need him!"

The bouncer looked at the dog and said, "Well, I've never seen a doberman used as a guide dog before, but I guess its OK," and reluctantly allowed the fellow into the dance.

His friend across the street watched and after his buddy had gone in the door, he put on his sunglasses and a leash on his dog and approached the man at the door.

"Just a minute, buddy, you can't be going in there with that dog!" the doorman protested.

"But this is my guide dog!" the fellow cried. "I have to take him in there! Without him I'd be crashing into the tables, falling over the drums and bumping into people, I need him!"

"Well I can understand how they might be able to train dobermans as guide dogs, buddy, but, retorted the bouncer, you are never going to convince me that your chihuahua is a guide dog!"

The Newfie looked stunned, "Chihuahua!!! Chihuahua? They gave me a CHIHUAHUA????"

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: annamill
Date: 30 Aug 01 - 12:21 PM

Three nuns were standing around talking and one says "My goodness! I was cleaning Fathers room this morning and I found porno magazines".

The second nuns asks "So, What did you do??". "Well, I threw them in the trash, of course".

NEXT DAY:

The same three nuns were standing around talking and the second nun says "Oh dear!! I found profilactics cleaning Fathers room this morning.".

First nun says 'So, what did you do??". "I stuck a pin in each one".

The third nun fainted!

L.A.

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Metchosin
Date: 30 Aug 01 - 01:10 PM

I had trouble reading your post Troll...not because of the funny little arrows, but because my eyes kept tearing up...what a hoot!... I don't know about not being able to sing the blues in Newfoundland though....unless of course your dog ain't a hound...

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: SharonA
Date: 30 Aug 01 - 01:31 PM

"Make your own Blues name Starter Kit" names? Awright, I'll try the formula. Lessee, now...

Flat-footed Fat River Navel-orange Nixon

Bulemic Bessie Blueberry Bush

Bipolar Big Mama Paw-paw Polk

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Metchosin
Date: 30 Aug 01 - 02:33 PM

Big Blind Bake-apple Buchanan

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Deda
Date: 30 Aug 01 - 03:02 PM

During the week the rabbi gets an envelope in the mail; inside is a sheet of paper with just one workd "Shmuck", written in big, black letters. So that Friday night he addresses his congregation and he says, "We've all heard of people sending letters that they didn't sign. Well, this week I got something like that, except that the person signed it all right -- he just forgot to include the letter!"

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Aug 01 - 03:31 PM

So Jesus and the apostles go out for dinner. And Jesus looks at the bill, realizes he doesn't have that kind of money and passes it to Thomas. Thomas looks at the bill "Doesn't have that kind of money? I doubt it" and finds Judas in the crowd. "Hey, Judas, Jesus wants you to take care of this for him. Pay the bill, okay?" And Judas looks at the bill-"Where the hell am I gonna get thirty pieces of silver!?"

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 30 Aug 01 - 03:31 PM

An experiment Hope this increases the readability

A friend(Dirtsprite) sent these. >FW: The Blues: tutorial
> You too, can learn to write the Blues; A tutorial.
1. Most Blues begin with "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you >stick
something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the > > meanest
face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat >it. > > Then
find something that rhymes... sort of "Got a good woman with the >meanest
face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. > > She's
got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weighs 500 pounds."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in >a
ditch-ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues > > don't
travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft >and
state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the runnin.' Walkin' plays >a
major part in the blues lifestyle. So does a-fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't a-fixin' to die yet. >Adults
sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get >the
electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any >place >in
Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just >clinical
depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still good places >to
have the Blues. Most places that start with San are good bluesy >places > > like
San Diego, San Francisco, and San Antonio.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't got the blues. A woman with > > male
pattern baldness does. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is >not > > the
blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The >lighting > > is
wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass.
Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses.
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you > > happen
to be old and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if
a. you are older than dirt
b. you are blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied.
No, if
a. you have all of your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man you shot in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger > > Woods
cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also >got >a
leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and your darling gives you gasoline, it's the
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are cheap wine; whiskey or > > bourbon;
muddy water; and nasty black coffee. The following are NOT Blues > > beverages:
Perrier; Chardonnay; Snapple; and Slim Fast.
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues > > death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. >So
are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a >broken-down
cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or > > while
getting lipo-suction.
16. Some Blues names for women Sadie; Big Mama; Bessie; or Fat River
Dumpling.
16. Some Blues names for men Joe; Willie; Little Willie; or Big >Willie.
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer and Heather >can't > > sing
the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For
example Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life if you own a computer, you >cannot > > sing
the blues.
(DAMN!)

_________________________________________________________________ troll

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Gareth
Date: 30 Aug 01 - 07:14 PM

Then there was this Rabbi and The Catholic Father sitting next to each other on the Airplane, and they got talking, and discussing thier religions.

"Well", says the father, " Have you never eaten bacon ?".

"Just the onece, Just the onece", says the Rabbi, "and have you ever had Sex ?".

"Just the onece, Just the onece", says the priest.

"Better than Pork, isn't it", said the Rabbi.

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: AliUK
Date: 30 Aug 01 - 08:12 PM

this is a brazilian joke so I hope it translates. Out here the portuguese are treated like the polish in the U.S. and the Irish in Britain:

An American , a Brazilian and a portuguese were in a shipwreck and the found up on a tropical island where they were captured by a tribe of cannibals. They gave the three castaways a chance to live but they had to go into the jungla and pick a fruit which they would then shove up their...well...their assholes.If they did so without making a sound then they would be aloud to live. They all three ran into the forest to find their fruits. The Yank returned first with a peach, as he was shoving it up he squeked and the cannibals slit his throat. The Brazilian came out with a grape and as he was shoving it up, he made a sound and they slit HIS throat. When he reached heaven the yank was waiting for him and he said "Man, you had it made how come you started laughing?"and the Brazilian turned to him and said, "Well, everything was going fine until I turned around and saw the Portuguese guy coming out of the jungle with a pineapple...."

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Troll
Date: 30 Aug 01 - 11:06 PM

Thankee kindly, Jack.

troll

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Rich(bodhránai gan ciall)
Date: 31 Aug 01 - 12:15 AM

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania, when a vampire bat lands on their windshield. Sr. Mary switches on the wipers but the the bat keeps landing back on the window. Sr. Agnes says, "I put holy water in the squirters, when we stopped at the gas station this morning. Use them."
It barely phases the bat.
"Sr. Mary, show him your cross", says Sr. Agnes

Sr. Mary rolls down the window

And says "GET THE FUCK OFF MY CAR!!!"




Paddy is playing golf at his favorite course in Cork, when he runs into a leprechaun. Says the leprechaun, "How'sd you like to be making a hole in one on this hole?"
Now Paddy's heard about leprechauns. Cagey little rascals and tricksters the whole lot of them. He asks "What'll it cost me?"
"5 years off your sex life."
Now Paddy is not exactly the best player ever to swing a club and as a matter of fact, has never shot a hole in one in his life. He's a young guy, and surely will have many good years left, so he agrees, albeit reluctantly.
Sure enough it goes right in the hole. He can scarcely believe his eyes.
He progresses to he next tee and sure enough the leprechaun is waiting. "Now only once before has there ever been a man to shoot a hole in one on 2 consecutive holes on this course and that was the great Jimmy Daly, himself. How'd you like to do the same?"
"and what will it cost me?"
"another 5 years off your sex life."
Well to be held in the same regard as THE JimMy Daly!!! Paddy reluctantly agrees. Pop! Straight in the hole!
At the next tee the leprechaun is of course waiting. "And how'd ye like to SET A NEW RECORD?"
Well, Paddy's come this far, and as costly as it might be, to have his name on the wall in the lodge and people speaking his name like that......he (very) reluctantly agrees.

And that is the story of how Father Patrick Flanagan set his record in golf.


Rich

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: AliUK
Date: 31 Aug 01 - 01:06 AM

Not a joke but this was just to good not to stick in here:

In May, a court in Edmonton, Alberta, sentenced William Piggott, 55, to 18 months' house arrest for three 1999 offenses in which prostitutes had turned him in for talking too dirty. According to court records, Piggott had merely asked the women if they would have sex with dogs. [Edmonton Journal, 5-19-01]

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Don Firth
Date: 31 Aug 01 - 01:37 AM

       Michael decided to leave Ireland and go to America to earn his fortune. As he stood on the dock waiting to board the ship to New York, he was approached by a little old lady who appeared to be very sad, almost on the verge of tears. Moved, Michael said, "Ma'am, is there something I can do for you?"
       "Are ye are goin' to America, young man?" she asked. "If ye are, then indeed there is."
       "And what might that be?" young Michael asked.
       "You have a kind face," she said. "If it isn't too much trouble . . . well, you see, years ago my son left home to go to America, much as you are doin', and he promised that he'd write faithfully to his poor old mother and let me know how he is and how he's gettin' on. I got one letter from him, tellin' me that he'd was in a place called Vermont, and that he was livin' in a little white house there. He didn't write his address on the envelope, so I couldn't write back to him, and I haven't heard from him for all these years. But he did say it was a little white house in Vermont. I don't know whether he's doin' well or not . . . I don't even know if my boy is still livin'," she said, wiping away a tear.
       Michael felt both apprehensive and angry. He was apprehensive about what might have happened to the woman's son, and angry that, should he be all right, that he could be so neglectful of his mother.
       "Ma'am," Michael said resolutely, "I give you my solemn promise, on my honor, that the first thing I'm goin' to do when I get to America is look up your son and see how he's gettin' on. And if all is well, I'll see to it meself that he writes to you straightaway! Now, what might your lad's name be?"
       "His name is Patrick Dunn," she said. "And God bless you for your kindness to a poor old woman."
       "I'm happy to be of service, Mrs. Dunn, happy to be of service."
       And so Michael boards the ship and sails off to America.
       Michael is as good as his word. The very instant he sets foot on American soil, he goes to the nearest railway station. He goes to the ticket window and tells the clerk, "I'd like a railway ticket to Vermont, please."
       "Okay," says the ticket clerk, slouching against the counter and shifting her chewing gum to the other side of her mouth. "Where in Vermont?"
       "Well . . . Vermont! You have a place in America called 'Vermont,' haven't you now?"
       "Well, yeah. But where do you want to go in Vermont?"
       "Where do I—" Not only is she cheeky, she's a snoop as well! "None o' your bloody business, woman! Vermont! Just give me a ticket to Vermont!"
       Okay for you, smart guy, she thinks. And she sells him a ticket to a place in Vermont that has a train station, but it's so small it isn't even on most maps.
       Michael boards the train. Some time later, the conductor informs him that he has arrived at his destination. He gets off the train and other than the platform and a small station, he doesn't see much of anything around. The station-master, a wizened-up, stooped old gentleman looks out the door to see why the train stopped, and he squints at Michael.
       "Good day to you, my man," says Michael. "Tell me, is there a little white house somewhere around here?"
       "Ayup!" says the old man. "Around back."
       Michael walks out behind the station and there he sees a little white house. A very little white house. As he approaches to knock on the door, the door opens and a man comes out. And he's zipping up his fly.
       "Are you Dunn?" asks Michael.
       "Yeah," says the man, "I'm done."
       "Then for the love of God, man," says the angry Michael, "write to your poor old mother in Ireland!!???"
       

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Amos
Date: 31 Aug 01 - 01:08 PM

Another engineer joke:

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees". The cannibals promised. Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shake their heads no. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, Which of you idiots ate the janitor?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us
From: Amos
Date: 31 Aug 01 - 03:31 PM

This hilarious thread is being continued over here on Part Two.

Regards,

Amos